“Where can I put my water”
I realized after he asked it the second time that he meant cum and had to contain my laughter.
I once had someone refer to condoms as Gatorade.
Guy: You want a gatorade?
Me: No thanks, I’m good.
Guy: Are you suuuuure you don’t want a ga-tor-ade?
Me: No, really, I’m fine.
Guy: (leans in and whispers) I’m trying to ask if we need condoms.
Me: Oh. YES! Yes we need condoms, obviously.
He runs in to the store and I sit in the truck wondering how the hell I was supposed to know gatorade meant condoms. Oh to be young again.
“Holy shit, there’s a potato on the floor over there. ”
To be fair, there was indeed a potato on the floor.
“You fuck like a robot”
Followed immediately by apologies and, “I meant machine. You fuck like a machine” Then debate over what the funniest machine I could fuck like would be.
“The worker’s revolution is inevitable.”
I use to date MILFs in my twenties. This one was really kinky and asked if it was okay to call me a certain name. I didn’t mind, I was getting laid. I later found out that was the name of her son.
First words after we finish…
Her: “I don’t think I believe in God anymore.”
“This is why I prefer women, cock is just painful.”
“You’re doing a good job!” In a very surprised tone.
“Can I put my finger in your butt?”
“Are you an organ donor?”
We’re still married.
“I’m too young to get fucked like this.”
Lulz were had.
My ex was going to ride me, and climbed on top. Then she said “Now you’re the jews, and I’m Hitler” I laughed for 15 minutes straight, and couldn’t do a thing. She was weird…
“Wait, you’ve never seen Star Wars right?” We ended up not finishing to go rent Episode IV, then found ourselves having sex in the middle of it. Good movie.
“Where’d you get that desk? It’s lovely.”
We were trying to expand beyond just sex, and did some mutual masturbation/fondling while watching porn together. Just as he starts to cum, he yells “Surprise” and tries to aim it at me, but misjudged the intensity of his load. Because I was half laying on him, it ended up shooting straight up and landing all over his face and chest. So instead of giving me a “Surprise” facial, he gave himself one. It was hilarious.
“There’s something in my pussy.” Um yeah, my dick.
Turned out that apparently some of her hair (which was super long and thus was always all over her bed sheets) had balled up mid-thrust and snuck in.
We aren’t together anymore, but still best friends. Whenever she apologizes for saying something gross or TMI, I casually reminded her that I’ve pulled her own hair out of her vagina, which usually results in her slapping me and telling me to shut up.
“I’m hungry let’s get pizza after this”… We were both very drunk.
I once lived with someone with Disassociative Identity Disorder. She was 90lbs soaking wet while I stood at 6 foot, 280lbs. She and I were having sex one night, missionary style, when all of the sudden, her entire aura seemed to change. It’s dark, but I can barely make out her facial features and while physically, she looked the same, I could kind of tell that this was not the same person.
She suddenly grabs my shoulders and menacingly says, “She’s had enough: it’s my turn now.” And proceeds to flip me over with ease and is suddenly riding me like there is no tomorrow. This was simultaneously the most disturbing and hottest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.
When I mentioned it the next day, she genuinely had no idea what I was talking about and profusely apologized for “putting me though that.”
“Ahh babe theres shit in your ass cheeks.”
“Fuck me like BP fucked the Gulf.”
My girlfriend once said “fuck me like you are gay” I just stopped and had to check if I heard that right! Couldn’t stop laughing but still managed to finish up!
“And the duck walked up to the lemonade stand.”
Imagine the scene: a dark hotel room, the middle of the night, the TV playing in the background. A man and a woman boink furiously.
Suddenly, the man stops, and he says “holy shit, I forgot I had Oreos!” Because he had gotten them earlier at the store. That man was drunk, and that man was me.
Some context is needed. My girlfriend and I play The Dot Game which is where you try to tap the other person on the nose and say “dot”. You aren’t allowed to cover your nose so you have to deflect their hands and grapple with them. She dotted me and so I had to focus on dotting her back. So we started wrestling to try and dot the other one and we were laughing the whole time. All that wrestling just turned us on again and so we seamlessly went back to sex.
Not said but did… she started blowing raspberries on my belly…
She was on top and was making her way down and I thought she was going to give me a BJ…nope, raspberries on my belly…
“Is Whole Foods still open?”
I had a girl ask me to call her by a different name once. It was a bit weird, but I went with it and I later found out it was her roommate’s name.
“Did you just sneeze into my pussy?”
This was followed by a very quiet yes from me.
In context it made sense, but; “Biscuits everywhere!”
“There’s no ‘deep and meaningful’ to this. I just want to fuck you.”
“Thanks for the free parking.”
“Go deep like you’re Aaron fucking Rodgers.”
“You’re so much bigger than your roommate”
“Is that a cop?”
I was once dating a girl who claimed to like dank memes.
When I came I whispered in her ear that Bush did 9/11 and that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.
Oddly she wasn’t amused.
I also slept with a girl who claimed to like puns.
We started with some fingering then a handy. By the time we actually got to fucking I was already ready to cum. I lasted less than a minute then said “I guess all that handy work finally paid off.”
Once again not amused.
Women, am I right?
A long time ago myself and the mrs had a night when we watched a load of 70s James Bond films back to back. In most of these, the female Bond seduces at the end utters ‘Oh James’ in pleasure, and I playfully asked why she didn’t do this exact same thing with me, and brought it up each film that night. Then I completely forgot about it.
About three years later she reminded me by doing it (yup, saying ‘James’ and everything) right in the middle of the horizontal shuffle. I got what she meant after about five seconds and saw the funny side, but those five seconds were very, very uncomfortable indeed.
I’ve done this a few times.. First time with a girlfriend is usually followed by “So that’s what losing my virginity feels like.”
Also had a girlfriend as we’re about to cum, we’d say random things or names. Either ended in a wtf is that or hilarity.
Asked me about my plans for next Wednesday. Was mid-stroke. Stopped, I think a second (cause she was serious). Then she asked me why I stopped and how close she was to cumming. Neither of us finished…tried to figure out plans.
“I can’t do this.” He meant doing it on the couch, but for a second, I was really confused.
“Do you think we should get wings with the pizza?”
I responded with “God, I love you.”
“As soon as your arms heal, I’ll buy you that Playstation you wanted.”
“I miss my ex.”
“I used to have sex (with his ex) to this CD all the time too.”
“MUM”. I wasn’t his mum. We never spoke of it again.
A partner once insisted I shout “I’m Old Gregg” whilst climaxing. (I do a spot on Old Gregg impression)
You best believe I did it too.
“Your dick feels like corn.”
“How are you not more flexible?”
“So do I have the job?”
“Can you untie me? I want to go home.”
“What is the Euphrates River?” – Mid-orgasm.
I still have no idea why I said it.
In high school I was banging my girlfriend doggy style and she puts her hands back to stop me. I’m 1/2 way in her and she turns back to me and says “was the pre-calc test tomorrow or Friday?”
Another one was in college I was having sex with a girl and she says “I’ve always wanted to be fucked by a big black cock.” For the record I’m extremely white, as is my cock.
Him: “Want me to go deeper?”
Him: “I can’t, I’m all out of PP.”
“We need to let the cat watch us.” She wanted the cat to watch, so I went with it. Unfortunately, I kept my eyes closed the entire time, fearing the moment I made eye contact with the cat…fearing its silent judgement, and scorn would lead to performance anxiety. The cat’s name was Fluffles.
“Holy cow!!!” He was the cutest surfer-guy, but he grew up Mormon and I think he was just so astonished to be having sex that he had to express his delighted surprise, but without swearing.
“Did we tip the waiter at the restaurant earlier?” – Said mid-stroke.
Oddly, I was thinking exactly the same thing. Which is weird because normally all I can think about during sex is the sex.
“Why do you make me cum so much, I just want pizza.” Til this day I have no idea, but fuck it we had pizza afterwards.
I once had a guy say, “I fucking hate walnuts” just after sex. We’d not talked about food, nor were we near any. Maybe it was just that good, and I blew his mind. LOL.
Also, once a guy said “I want to fuck you with big tits!” when he was asking for the boob sex. I immediately pictured him having enormous boobs and couldn’t stop laughing.
I said “look mom no hands” while railing away, she laughed for a good five minutes.
I once kissed my own bicep. I was fucking without my glasses on and got confused. She saw me do it.
Just last night, when we were finished, I had cum on my hand. So I reached over reeaaally slowly and swiped my thumb across his forehead while whispering “Siiiimbaaaah”.
Her: “We should film this. My ex said he misses me.”
“Whatever happened to neopets?”
“Holy shit, this is why bitches get pregnant.” It was her first time having unprotected sex.