1. “Have At Thee, Knave!”
I actually shouted “have at thee” when some guy broke into my house. 2am, I’m alone (wife’s away) and I hear a door, someone climbing the stairs, etc. Still half asleep I figured it was in my head until I saw a flashlight walking into my bedroom. Went for my 4-cell and leapt out of the rack with the stupidest war whoop ever and he pearled before I could grab him. I’m still pissed off I wasn’t awake enough to catch him. At any rate, seeing a 200lb, barely dressed, hairy fat-ass come charging at you out of the dark has to be terrifying enough.
Oh, I missed grabbing my mag-lite and instead grabbed the power strip. Halfway out the room before I realized I was brandishing a power strip, alarm clock, cell phone charger, and night lamp. File under: “crazy white boy with issues.”
2. Good Manners All Around
My female friend was home alone in her house when this huge black guy walked into her bedroom. She was in shock, so of course the first thing she says is, “Uh, can I help you?” The guy goes “Oh shit!” and takes off. She got window bars installed that week.
3. A Giant Man And His Dog
I was in the shower when I heard my dog start to bark. She rarely does so, so this meant one of two things, there was a stray cat in my front yard, or some shit was actually up. I wrapped a towel around myself and walked out and saw my front door hanging open and some kid with pantyhose over his head. My dog was growling really menacingly and curling her lip at him while I just yelled “What the fuck!?” I suppose the mixture of him not having a weapon, my dog being ferocious and me being 6’2, soaking wet and mostly naked made him nope the fuck out, because he fucking booked it.
I figured he was a kid in his early adolescence, because he was short and obviously saw the pantyhose over the head idea on TruTV or something without knowing its purpose.
In hindsight, I wish I had dropped the towel, put my fists up and said “HAVE AT YOU, RUFFIAN!” To really fuck that kid up mentally, but I was too shocked at the time to consider the funny.