21 Security Guards Share The Craziest, Most Hilarious Things They’ve Seen On The Job

18. Do Not Narc On Private Security

I worked with a guy who was the company drug dealer (that is to say, he sold drugs to the entire guard company).

One of the tenants at the building we worked at saw him making a transaction with one of the Duty PROs (senior guards who’s job is supposedly to be a roaming supervisor, pop in and make sure you’re actually doing your patrols, etc) and threatened to report him to the company. The drug dealer guard asked me for help in dealing with the problem, and I said I wasn’t going near this with a 40 foot pole. If I’d known what exactly he wanted ‘help’ with, I’d have done something about it.

He waited until I was off shift, and he and another co-worker that he sold to ambushed the tenant in the stairwell, ducttaped his mouth for silence, and then his hands to the railing, and beat the ever loving shit out of him. They told him if he went to anyone about it, they’d do worse.

That guy did not end up reporting him for drug dealing, surprisingly enough.

19. The Phantom Shitter

We had a phantom shitter, this guy would shit in places where everyone would see, right next to vending machines, elevators and stairs. It was such a problem my boss had a breakdown in our conference room. He just didn’t know how to deal with the mental stress of it.

He slammed the doors open while we where getting ready for our weekly meeting, as if he had watched someone die in front of him and just yell “the phantom shitter has struck again” and then yell for like 15 min about how catching this ballsy motherfucker was a top priority for our company.

We never caught him He always wore a hoodie and knew exactly where the cameras were. Also he would take his dumps at different intervals of the day even in plain daylight a few times. His shit pattern was never consistent.

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