21 Security Guards Share The Craziest, Most Hilarious Things They’ve Seen On The Job

16. The Meat Thief

I worked at a mall, yes you could call me a “mall cop”, I’ve heard worse.

I had my eyes on this guy in a long leather coat, he was acting strangely in a grocery store. I walked out of the store and waited for him past the cashier checkpoint, no biggie. The guy comes walking past me and since I’ve only got suspicions, my plan was to have a quick talk with the guy to see if he had any problems, felt distressed or if I could help him in any way.

As soon as he comes walking out, he sees me and starts bailing for the mall exit. As he starts running, it be comes very obvious that this guy had something to hide…literally.

Out of his leather jacket, sausages, ham, bacon, every imaginable piece of meat you could stick in there came falling out and left a meat trail all the way to the exit.

17. Seen It All

I work retail Loss Prevention as a part time job. For 12 years now. What haven’t I seen?

Saw a guy do a door hit (snatch and run) for about $1500 worth of shit. Then get hit and run over by his own getaway vehicle. It was Christmas Eve.

Saw an illegal immigrant beating it, then blast his load all over a rack of FUBU.

Seen fingers/hands in every orifice. People pick their nose and eat it all the time. Some for a half hour plus. Watched a girl- in a span of 20 seconds- scratch her armpit, pick her nose, dig her ass, then sniff it. Then she licked a finger. Lovely.

Seen all manner of crackheads/meth heads/heroin addicts, etc. The first two are wildly unpredictable, sometimes dangerous. Heroin addicts, well, you have to watch out for needles, but they are usually the nicest folks, and will tell you all about themselves and what they do. Very apologetic too. Crack and meth heads don’t give a fuck.

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