21 Security Guards Share The Craziest, Most Hilarious Things They’ve Seen On The Job

14. Fighting The Marine At The Country Concert

Worked concert security over a summer. Anyone who’s done concerts will tell you that country and rap/hip-hop shows have the worst crowds. This one in particular was country, and I was patrolling the venue with a coworker. We run into two other guards and wander with them for a few minutes and notice two massive guys shouting at each other. When I say massive, I found out one of them was a marine. Anyway, we decide this doesn’t look like a good situation and go to calm them down. Immediately the marine starts swinging at us and the others wrestle him to the ground. I’m 5’7, fuck me if I’m getting involved so I just pretend to help. The marine punches one guard in the face who is known in the company to be a hothead. Immediately he pulls out his flashlight and smashes this man in the face five times with blood spurting everywhere. The only thing I could distinctly remember the marine saying was “Go ahead, keep hitting me! I fucking love when you do that!” after my coworkers bashed his fucking head in. We were all afraid my coworkers was gonna be fired for that but then the higher ups didn’t really care after the marine tried attacking them too.

15. Sexy Times In Loss Prevention

Was working Loss Prevention for a major retailer. Was a slow day, not many people in the store, and no thieves. I had just gotten settled, and my manager Marie, and coworker S (both females) were chatting away. I sat down at the cameras, and within a minute I see this young couple walk in. And I mean young, 13/14 at most.

The couple walks straight into the lower level entrance, and then proceeds to head to one of the fitting rooms, without picking up anything. This happens somewhat often, people wanting to spice up the sex life by trying it somewhere new. Or in this case, actually just have some time to themselves, being so young. Usually we just kick them out, but if it’s a extreme case, like their are children in the immediate area, we will call the cops and detain them.

I let my co workers know what’s up, and head downstairs to interrupt. I approach the fitting room stall, and can see under the door a pair of feet and another set of legs, on it’s knees. I knock and tell them I’m with store security and need them to exit the fitting room. I hear some shuffling, and the male attempts to just walk by me casually saying “We were trying stuff on.” I block the fitting room exit, and basically give them the “we are just kicking you out, but you’re lucky” speech, when the radio crackles to life.

S: “Hey,” Marie says, “hold them there.”

I see the kid’s eyes go wide, and immediately begin to sweat.

Kid: “Marie?

DBB: “Yea that’s my boss.”

K: “She about 32? Lesbian but looks like a dude?”

And then he goes on to describe my boss to a tee.

DBB: “Yea? You know her?”

Kid: “She used to date my mom.”


Manager comes down, and says “Julio! WTF are you thinking? You think you’re momma is going to like this? She raised you better than that? Hell so did I! And you, Missy! You think this is love? Blowing someone in a fitting room? You’re better than this dumbass!”

She basically just ripped into him for 5 solid minutes before telling him she’d be in touch with his mom later, and made him leave. Now, I’ve had some moment’s where I had to keep my shit together. Whether it was the mother who cursed me out when she found out I wasn’t Christian, despite the fact I was tallying all the clothes she had just stolen. Or the kid who tried to convince me that song by Akon were “the songs of his people” and I was denying his rights to sing them in the holding room of our office. Or the Pauly D wanna be who was so busy trying to get his dick wet with my coworker S that he stole right in front of us without realizing it. But I have NEVER lost it as hard as I did when Marie was ripping into this kid. It was glorious. Imagine the fear of your mom yelling at you, except she wasn’t your mother anymore so there wasn’t that guarantee she’d hold back out of love.



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