12. The Hitchhiker
I once responded to a drunk man on our property. When I went and talked to him he was a bit scratched up and thought he was in San Francisco. He was a state away still. He was hitch hiking and got dropped off by a trucker who I assume got annoyed with his drunkenness and told him he had arrived. He then stumbled through the middle of the woods towards our building falling the whole way to it thinking it was the city lights.
13. A Guard Of The Arts
My father used to be a guard at an art museum and thus I had to listen to the stories of all sorts of obnoxious things he has been through. My favorites:
A woman was changing her babies shit filled diaper… on the cafe counter. He told her she had to take it to the bathroom, she replied with a hysterical “DON’T YOU CALL MY BABY DIRTY, MY BABY IS CLEAN!” Sure it is. And the brown goo is pudding?
One evening, he was making his rounds, giving the whole “15 minutes to closing” routine when he caught a Scandinavian couple in an obstructed corner starting to get hot and heavy. The place was empty by that point, so he kinda just laughed, told them to take it outside, got a “Ya, Ya” and moved on. He came back 10 minutes later to give the 5 minute warning, and there they were again, him fingerbanging the shit out of her against a wall. He give them a glare, say “get out, we’re closed”. They sheepishly start to follow him out, but right before they reach the door, he turns around and they are all of 10 feet behind him, again against a wall, this time with her hands down his pants. Half laughing, half infuriated he yells “GET THE FUCK OUT!” and they scurried off. Damn those ice people…
After hearing about when he was working a wedding for a Canadian couple, I had all of my stereotypes confirmed. They were all super nice, a great deal of them were rocking the denim on denim look, the first dance was a Bryan Adams-song and they ran out of alcohol within the first hour and sent the groom’s father out on a whiskey run in which he returned with 20 more handles (all of which they ran out of by the end of the night).
Heelies… little shits on heelies -He has yelled at so many kids for skating around the art museum. Sadly, half the time the parents turn and yell at him for yelling at their shit kids. One of my fathers colleagues was actually fired for this. A woman insisted “they are technically just shoes”. He lost it, showed her his footlong maglite and said in a kind of crazy voice “and technically this is just a flashlight. Technically.”
Once, he was making his rounds and caught a kid, probably about 7 years old, standing extremely close to one of the paintings, giving it a kind of hypnotized stare. Slowly the kid leaned in and began to stick his tongue out, inching closer and closer to the painting. Baffled, my dad closed in on him and yells out “HEY!” The kid jolts his head towards him, shooting him his best “OH SHIT”-eyes, turns back to the painting, gives it a monstrous lick, and books it the fuck out of the museum. Nobody ever caught him.