21 Security Guards Share The Craziest, Most Hilarious Things They’ve Seen On The Job

4. The Running Gag

The hidden dick.

It’d show up everywhere. On equipment, on patrol checklists, in notebooks… It was a very particularly drawn dick. It wasn’t constant, but it was frequent enough to cause HR meetings, finger pointing, sexual harassment threats and so on. The mystery person was then proclaimed “the dick bandit.”

To this day, nobody knows for sure who the dick bandit was… Every so often, a dick will show up on something. And we know. We know. He lives.

5. An Inside Job

First day working a retail security job. I show up a few minutes early, and witness a man dressed in the company’s uniform getting tossed into the back of a police car by about 4 officers. He’s freaking out, struggling against them, screaming at the top of his lungs, and is one very, very small step away from getting hit with a stun gun or pepper spray. To this day, I’m amazed at their restraint.

After getting inside, I discovered that he was the previous security guy, and that they had coordinated his arrest with the police for the start of my shift. Per my new boss: “Not because we wanted to scare you. We just didn’t want a gap in coverage.”

Turns out, the guy had made off with something in the vicinity of $25k worth of goods over the previous couple of months, and only got caught because he was stupid and greedy.

6. Welcome To America

Not my current security Gig but when I did security in Obetz, Ohio. I was training a new guard, an Immigrant from Somalia, I can’t remember his name but he was very unfamiliar with everything about america. One night around 3am we saw a skunk walking around outside of our guard shack, My trainee had never seen one before and asked what it was. I explained that it was a Skunk and exactly what would happen if he got too close to it. Well he didn’t believe me and decided it looked like a cat, he got sprayed and I made him stand outside the shack. It was also his first winter in Ohio.


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