1. Where’s My Car?

My buddy isn’t the smartest man. He picked a chick up and drove to a motel. They were walking into the room and she says, “oh shit, I forgot my purse in the car do you mind if I go grab it?” He says, “yeah that’s fine,” and tosses her the keys. 5 minutes later he walks outside wondering where she is and his car is gone.

2. Incompatible Goals

The only Tinder date I went on, the woman told me her goal was to get pregnant in the next few months. I noped right out of there.

3. I’m All Done

Showed up to the restaurant, waited about 30 minutes. Ordered myself some food and was about to leave when he texted me: There’s a liquor store across the street from the restaurant, can you pick me up 2 six packs?”

I told him I wouldn’t. He says he’s decided to play frisbee with his dog instead. Deleted app, went to liquor store, picked up wine and went home.

He texted me for a month or so after to tell me he’s just bought tickets to see me dance (I’m a retired ballerina, haven’t been in anything for a few years). Then he texts me an hour after and tells me how great I was on stage. I never responded.

Dating is too confusing. I’m all done.

4. 300 Pictures

There was this guy, he was a solid 10 in his pictures. He messages me, asks me if I want to meet up for coffee, so I say yes. He messages me and tells me that I have to pick him up… I was all, okay fine. I pick him up, we go eat, he’s super funny and cute, so I invite him back to my place and we start smoking. He then pulls out his phone and proceeds to tell me that he has a son and his baby momma took him and left and he has no idea where they went. Then he hands me his phone and tells me to go through the folder in his pictures and it’s all pictures of his son. Like 300 of them, and he sat there and made me look at every single one. I felt so bad, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but man I was happy when he left.

5. The “Really Sweet Guy”

I started talking to this really sweet guy for about two weeks and things were going well. Then I started getting calls from this girl, who he claimed was his crazy roommate that was in love with him and kept trying to get him fired from jobs. Turns out, she wasn’t the one lying, she was actually his live-in girlfriend, and they had moved here together from a different state. Apparently he wasn’t actually a citizen, and was trying to obtain papers. Thanks, Tinder.

6. The Love Affair

Matched a guy and did the usual add on snapchat to make sure he’s real. We hit it off but every time I invite him over he has an excuse. Almost a month into this naughty snaps and no hangs I’m like ok bye, and he says he’ll come over the next day. We meet, drink, drink, drink. Hook up…he’s too drunk to stay hard. I kind of throw up going down on him. We’re both embarrassing. We try again the next day. Great success. Start hanging out every 2-3 days. We’re talking constantly when we aren’t together and starting to like each other. Every time we’re together we’re laughing and happy. He plays guitar and sings and I totally love it. We play jeopardy and shoots and ladders. He’s not from my state and its known he has to go home in a couple weeks to see family, go on vacation, and then he’ll move back permanently.

We’re in tears as weeks pass and its his last week. I give him a sappy card, he gives me a card and flowers and his t-shirt and guitar pick. He sings me a song about me and my cat. He’s still texting me at the airport and when he’s home. We’re still sending “adult snapchats.” Daily. More or less the vibe was that he was going to be my boyfriend when he got back. Two weeks gone and he’s on his vacation in Hawaii. Showing me the hotel and volcanos and selfies and dick pics. Keep talking about how we miss each other. Red flag-he’s ending his vacation early because his dad had a stroke Red flag-he’s been at the hospital and has bad phone service I get suspicious after this and Google his family.

I find his brothers Instagram and the second picture is of his brother and my tinder boy in suits captioned “happy 2 weeks of marriage to this guy” He got married and went on his honey moon Golf clap.

7. Ew

Matched with my cousin.

8. Meet My Family, Stranger

Went on a date with a girl who had already told her whole family about me, before we even met. And she wanted me to meet them in person on the first date.

Nope.

9. She Refused My Rejection

Last summer I met this girl who seemed pretty normal for a quick coffee date. She wasn’t exactly the prettiest girl ever, but I’m no looker neither so it wasn’t a problem. We were supposed to grab coffee but the date started with her shopping for purses in a luxury shop for about an hour while I just stood there playing with my phone. I know I should have just left right then but I’m actually quite patient with people and also not that smart.

Eventually we got to the coffee shop. During the actual date part she proceeded to monologue about religion, her family’s money, her exes, her dream wedding and our future relationship. I’m from a pretty left-leaning country myself, but that was one too many red flags for me, so I gently turned her down. To my surprise she refused my rejection and said it had to be a “joint decision”. After arguing about my rejection I pretty much ran away. She called me at midnight the same day and told me that I had to go to a second date. Luckily I was literally leaving the continent the next day for a few weeks. She called me 10 times during my trip and sent me about 20 messages trying to set up the next date.

She still texts me every once in a while and I’m still afraid.

Also during my tinder days I hooked up with a very overweight lady who turned out to be a Neo-Nazi. Other than that she was quite nice.

10. The Guy With The Weird Fetish

I met a guy on Tinder..seemed nice, fairly attractive.. Seemed a little “vanilla” actually.. He didn’t drink or smoke, wanted to be a meteorologist, was super close with his grandfather, very family-oriented.

Went to Starbucks and talked for a couple hours, it was nice. So, I set up another date.. We went for ice cream and again talked for a while. We were sitting outside and I mentioned something about how guys have obvious body parts to be attracted to on women while girls pick out odd things like calves and such..

He gets real weird and says “I don’t know if I should tell you this” so of course I prod him until he tells me.. So, first he says he’s got a foot fetish. That’s not super strange and I’m mostly curious so I ask him tons of questions about it.. He’d never been in a serious relationship so I ask him if he could handle being with a girl who wasn’t into it, at least long enough to feel love towards him and he said no “I’ve called a girl from back pages a couple times cause I couldn’t take it anymore”

Still not that weird..

Then he asks if I have ever heard of a “Crush Fetish”. He tells me not to google it because it’ll freak me out. ( still haven’t, never will) There are two levels of a crush fetish. LVL 1: becoming aroused watching someone crush Invertebrate animals under their feet, like bugs (which was his fetish) and LVL 2: watching someone crush vertebrate animals like bunnies or kittens…this got me thinking about our previous date.

We had a conversation on the first date about how I had been getting a lot more bugs in my room that summer and so I’d been like squishin’ bugs all fuckin day.. And he said that “really got him goin.” I also realized he had asked me what kind of shoes I typically wear and I had just brushed it off and answered him. I was wearing moccasins and (being a pretty open person) told him how they make my feet smelly so I try to avoid them..he told me that “I got really turned on when you said that… I’d love to smell your shoes if you’d let me…” Among other very forward, very specific and unwelcome statements about what turned him on about me.

Best Part: I told him a week or so later I’d met someone and that we should end our communications.. He texted me a few months later 4 or 5 times asking me for my “help” and that he’d pay me to let him do stuff with my feet…

11. The Unorthodox Double Date With The Blogger

Met a girl at her work at like, a moment’s notice (She was a waitress and there was literally nobody else in the entire place). We talked for a few hours, then another dude shows up… To meet her. From tinder.

She would later blog about the experience and describe me as “dull and unattractive”.

12. Brutal And Awful

This was back when tinder first came out and wasn’t quite as known as a hookup app. We met and had a great first date. Second date was even better. Things kept going for about 2 months when she told me she went out with me originally in an attempt for a Dinner with Schmucks type thing where her and all her friends would bring the worst Tinder date. We both really liked each other, but I couldn’t get over how we started.

13. The House Party

Buddy of mine hit it off with this girl and after a few days, she invited him over to a house party. “Sure” he says, what could go wrong? He shows up and is introduced to a few of her friends, all guys. As the night carries on, more and more guys show up and very few girls are actually at the party. After they start talking about how they all know this girl they find out that she invited them all from Tinder. Every guy was there not to hook up, but to populate this chick’s birthday party.

14. A UTI And Blue Walls

Met up with a really hot “bicurious” girl. I’m a lesbian, this girl had only ever been with men and wanted to experiment with girls. She was stupidly hot, like hot hot. We matched and we chatted for like 2 days. I soon found out we had no common ground at all. Like… None. However, she wanted to meet and me being the horny lez gremlin I am agreed just because she was hot and I could take her girl-on-girl virginity.

We agreed to meet one day, picked her up and we went for drinks. Walked back to mine and chatted a little more over alcoholic root beer and Breaking Bad. We started making out, she took off my bra, I took off hers, she took my pants off, I took hers off. We started kissing, touching, feeling. She starts fingering me, I can tell straight away she is a first timer. She starts jabbing at my poor vag with her half-inch acrylics. I tell her to slow down a little and be a little more gentle about it. All of a sudden, she bursts into tears and says she’s not ready. I tell her it’s fine blah blah. She ends up staying at my place and we cuddle for the night until I sobered up enough to drive her back home in the morning.

Later the next day I go for a piss and realise it stings like a bitch and my pee smells DREADFUL and is cloudy. Run to the doctors because I’m a casual hypochondriac and take a pee sample. Doctor sticks the paper in my pee and yup straight away it shows I have a UTI. I didn’t piss after Little Miss Bicurious scratched my insides out. Bitch gave me a UTI AND blue balls.

15. The Most Amazing Girl Ever

I’ve been on quite a few tinder dates. Most are pretty standard dinner/drinks/occasional bang etc.

This isn’t really a horror story, just the one that sticks out as the most bizarre/funny.

This girl (we’d been chatting for like a week or so,) hit me up around 10 pm on a Sunday night and said she’d be in my neck of the woods on her way home and wanted to see if i wanted to hang out. I did. So she comes over, and she’s got a bag of Mexican food with her. So i put on an episode of Always sunny, and she busts out a monster bean and cheese burrito and a carne asada quesadilla. She asked if i wanted any, but i had already eaten. So this (skinny, mind you) girl puts down BOTH OF THESE FUCKING THINGS in like 10 minutes. Just destroyed like 2 pounds of food. She wipes her face off, grabs my hand, rubs her tits with my hands, and gets up and goes, “welp, i gotta go, you can tell your friends you at least got something out of it.”

Never to be seen again. I’m still in love with her.

16. The Yoga Teacher Heroin Addict

I dated someone I met from tinder for a month. Seemed good on paper: masters student, yoga teacher, cultured, etc.

Found out she was doing heroin and didn’t consider that a big problem. I actually had to explain to her the definition of a high functioning addict because she felt that having a job and going to school meant the heroin thing wasn’t a problem. We broke up and she went back to her junky ex-bf.

Bullet dodged.

17. The Asshole

I went on a date with a guy and the entire time he was talking about how men are superior and how there have been scientific studies to show that “women have an emotional reaction to the color red when they see it”. I wonder why he was single…

18. A Sweaty, Bloody Mess

I met a guy on tinder that I had kinda already known through other friends, but we never met each other prior to tinder.

He came over and we hooked up a few times, I was giving him a bj and he asked me if I’d stick something in his ass. I was totally down for it so I grabbed the only thing I had, this tiny bullet shaped vibrator. So I was sticking it in his ass, and he kept telling me deeper, and soon the whole thing, it just kinda got sucked up in! I definitely thought he’d be able to tell it was stuck up in there, and he seemed to like it so I just rolled with it and continuing doing my thing. So he finishes and I assume he’s gonna get up and take that out of his ass…but after about a minute he doesn’t and I was like “hey so where is that thing” and he’s like”I don’t know I thought you had it” and I was like “WHAT THE FUCK how can you not feel it in your ass?”

And so he gets up, his face turns red as fuck, his eyes are huge and he runs to the bathroom…he’s freaking out bc this vibrator is fucking stuck in his asshole…I walk up to the bathroom and he’s suddenly white as a ghost and crying and shaking and he has basically ripped his ass with his hand, it is covered in blood. I do a quick Google search and I tell him to relax or it’ll never come out. He asked me to get a fan because he said he felt like he was about to pass out, when I left the room I came back and he had squeezed it out I guess, it was inside the toilet vibrating and I could hear it. He was passed out on the bathroom floor and a sweaty bloody mess. I think I had him over like one more time but he got super clingy so I cut it off.

It was super hilarious to tell this story to my friends, poor guy, however out of respect I didn’t tell the friends of ours that were mutual.

19. She Asked Me To Drop Her At A Gas Station

I had one match that I had met up with a few times for some casual shenanigans when we finally decided to go out together. After we stopped to get something to eat, we were on our way home and she asked if we could stop at a gas station. I pulled into a gas station about 30 minutes from her place and went inside to get a Gatorade. She told me that she wanted me to leave her there, and she would arrange for someone to come pick her up. I had a pretty animated conversation with her while we were in the gas station parking lot, me telling her over and over again that I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her there. She insisted, so I told her if she needed me to come back, just call me and I would. I get a call about ten minutes, and ten miles down the highway later, and it’s her. I answer, and I’m talking to a man. A state trooper. The gas station employees called the police because they saw us ‘arguing’ in the parking lot, and when the cops showed up to talk to her, she didn’t mention anything about how she was the one who asked to be left there. I cut off all communication after that.

I noticed she was talking to another guy on tinder for the back half of our date, and I think she was trying to figure out how to get me to drop her off with him. She sent a message and then locked her phone right before she asked if we could stop, and it was definitely Tinder. I didn’t do or say anything that made her seem uncomfortable, and it was generally a pretty mild, fun day. She never actually told me why she wanted me to leave her there. She kept deflecting questions and at a point it was clear she wanted to stay, so I wasn’t going to get in her way.

20. The Cat Lady

This is the story of my second day using tinder and my very first Tinder date.

It’s Tuesday. I matched up with this girl, I’ll call her L, and we chatted back and forth for a bit. She’s cute as hell and I suggest meeting up and I try to find a nice neutral spot near her where we can get together. She invites me to a barbecue with some of her former coworkers. I’m pretty hesitant to this at first as I don’t want to meet someone for the first time at some bbq.

Well, I caved and I ended up meeting her at this bbq and in all honesty, it was pretty fun. L and I are getting along pretty well, she’s trying to feed me shots of rum (I don’t have any because I have to work in the morning), and all is pretty damn great. Anyways, bbq comes to an end and she abruptly says “Okay, I’ll talk to you later” and leaves. Confused, I drive my ass home and as soon as I get off the freeway she shoots me a text saying “You could have come over to my house if you asked.” I tell her I still can, she shoots me her address, and I turn my ass around and speed to her house.

She doesn’t live in the greatest part of town, but I was too certain that I was going to get some so I didn’t really care. I pull up to her house and she meets me out front and greets me as I walk up. As I’m walking up the stairs to her door she mentions that she takes in stray cats. I’m allergic to cats, but really as long as I don’t touch my eyes it’s a non-issue. Also, I’m thinking she probably has maybe 4 cats at most. These thoughts are running through my mind as I’m still walking up the steps when she says “Yea, so I have like 15 cats,” and then opens the front door.

The front living room was pitch black, but I saw at least a dozen pairs of eyes all turn and look at the now open front door. Then they all scattered like a bunch of cockroaches. Now I haven’t broken stride this entire time and continue right through the door. As I crossed the threshold I thought I had walked through a god damn wall as the smell that washed over me was horrific and it felt like it had weight. Cat piss, undeniably it was pure cat piss from 15 unwashed stray motherfuckin cats. There isn’t a light on in this house, but I can still see stacks of bins all over the room like it was something out of one of those hoarder TV shows. From the tops of these rubbish towers sat some of the cats, peering down at me.

L quickly ushers me to her room which happens to smell like bleach, as my nostrils have started to burn from a smell other than cat piss. She mentions having just cleaned her room and having scrubbed everything down with bleach, as if that’s a normal thing to do when you clean a room. Any sane guy probably would have backed out well before now, and I should have too, but I had come too far and my cock was way too hard to turn back now. We get comfy on her bed and she puts on netflix. This is before I knew netflix and chill was a thing, but I knew where things were going. She picks a Saw-esque type movie called Adrenaline (I think), and makes herself comfortable as the little spoon. I make some advances during this fucking horror movie and she’s completely unresponsive. So after about 45 minutes of nothing, I tell her I need to get home and go to bed since it’s 2AM and I have work in the morning.

During my entire time at her house I tried really damn hard not to touch my face, but I knew since walking in there there was no way I was getting out unscathed. I drive home and my eyes are itchy as hell and are starting to water. After getting home, I look in the mirror and my eyes just look like total shit, completely bloodshot and itchy. The allergy has never lasted more than a couple hours after starting so I went to bed and figured I would be fine by the morning. BOY WAS I WRONG.

I wake up with my alarm at 4:45AM, bleary eyed and feeling like total shit as I expected. My eyes are heavy and I can barely open them as I shamble to the bathroom to take a shower. I flip on the light and see (or rather, barely see) a fucking horror show. My right eyelid had swollen out to the point where it was nearly in line with my brow, and was completely swollen shut. My left was not much better. Even worse, it felt like sand had been poured in both of them. I had to call in sick to work and go to the doctor to get a prescription to bring the swelling down when it looked like it wasn’t going down after a couple hours. I text L mentioning that apparently I was more allergic to cats than I remembered and I never got a response.

21. The Cigarette Bum

En route to the Worst Date Ever, this guy texted me from the burrito place we were meeting, to tell me he’d already ordered me the salad. I repeat: SALAD. At a burrito place. Also, was this the past? Was I now incapable of placing my own food order? Anyway… After arriving – with my salad ready, beside his plate of tacos – he spent the next half an hour telling me about his model ex-girlfriend and how passionate their ‘breakup sex’ had been…last weekend. The final straw was – even after telling him I wasn’t a big fan of smoking – he literally asked a stranger for cigarettes and then chain smoked them beside me.

22. The Farting McNugget Lover

Talked to a girl a few times. Set up a date. She calls me a couple hours before we’re going to meet, saying she’s busy doing something. Bullshit excuse; she cancels.

At about 11pm I get a text message that just says: “Can you come over?” or something similar. Being a mix of lonely and bored, I said what the hell, closed my self-sympathy pizza box and hopped in my car.

Halfway through the drive, I get another text that says “Can you get me some food?” Sure. She wants a 20-piece Chicken McNugget with extra bbq sauce. Very specific. Super weird, but fine, munchies.

Show up and she seems maybe drunk or something, so I give her the food and she insists I stay and we watch tv. She’s watching the movie Powder. If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s super not date friendly. We make small talk, I have a beer. I’m not gonna push anything because obviously the girls got something going on, so I’m ready to bow out.

The movie ends. She stands up and very bluntly says “I’m going to bed. I don’t know if I’m going to fuck you or not, but you can stay if you want.”

She was cute and I was eager, so why not see what happens? I hop in bed while she’s in the bathroom. She comes into her bedroom, climbs on top of me, her hands on either side of my head. She leans in, I think she’s going to start kissing my neck, and then I hear her start snoring. Very loudly. I’m dumbfounded.

I lie there for a moment thinking about what I should do. This is interrupted by her ripping the hugest fart.

Goodnight.

23. An Army Of Red Flags

Met a girl with multiple “daddy” tattoos (red flag #1) who claimed to be mostly a lesbian (red flag #2) but just wanted to fuck. We met up, hit it off, went back to my place, had sex, and she left at 3am after we fell asleep pretty early without saying a word (red flag #3). Week later she called me up, came back over, same routine except she requested that I not look at her in the eye (red flag #4) and eventually she requested that we only fuck doggy because she didn’t want me to look at her at all (red flag #5). This went on a few more times before I got tired of it and tried to distance myself from her. Then my roommate warned me that he knew her from his hometown and that she was unhinged (red flag #6) and known to destroy people’s property (red flag #7). She kept texting me, but once I started to reject her advances, she would send me walls of text and leave me voice mails about how I was disrespecting her as a woman and that she wasn’t just a piece of meat (red flags #8-9).

I should clarify that she didn’t have multiple tattoos that said “daddy” (although one of them did); rather, her tattoos were monoliths to the sordid and horrific events of her past, i.e., “daddy” tattoos.

24. Oops

Got a Tinder notification on my phone…realized I don’t have Tinder and was holding my girlfriends phone.

25. The Honest And Honorable Guy

I met this guy on tinder and we had a couple really fun dates. I was pretty into him, so on our third date, I decided I wanted to have sex with him. He took me out for a really nice date and then he invited me back to his place for a glass of wine. One thing led to another and we started making out on his couch, fully clothed. But this lasted FOREVER. I was ready to go, if you know what I mean… I didn’t want to make out the whole night. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and I took off all of my clothes. Then he sits up, still fully clothed, and looks at me, and says, “I can’t have sex with you, I have a STD.” Possibly most awkward moment of my life. I tried to be super nice about it, but I promptly got dressed and left. (And as many of my friends have pointed out, I am extremely grateful that he told me).

26. “Drinking Games Are Illegal”

My sophomore year in college I was talking to a girl that went to a university about an hour away. After a few months she invited me to her 21st birthday party to go out with her and her friends. She says there’s gonna be a big party and I have to come.

So I decide to make the trip with 2 of my fraternity brothers. We show up to the party and its only my tinder girl and her two roommates with no one else in sight. Awkward as fuck because the two roommates weren’t going out or drinking that night. So me and my buds try to make the best of it. We try to start beer pong, flip cup, quarters, you name it but I kid you not the birthday girl doesn’t play because “drinking games are illegal.” My jaw dropped to the floor and I new I had fucked up. So we me and my brothers hit up our fraternity’s chapter at this university and they say we are welcome.

After some convincing we manage to get my tinder girl to come along with us. Some how my 2 friends managed to get a little ahead of us as we start to leave the complex. As we are walking the tinder girl sees cops and flips the fuck out saying how we are going to get in trouble and we need to go back. Keep in my she just turned 21 and we have nothing on us. So my friends keep going to the party and I couldn’t ditch her because that’s where we are suppose to stay. So I take one for the team and go back to her place.

We end up watching the Lizzy McGuire movie. Things start to heat up and I’m begin to think this wasn’t so bad after all. Wrong. She informs me she’s on her period and refuses anything farther than a makeout. I try to convince her but nothing. Then she tells me she can do a little trick for me that will make me happy. I have no idea wtf she is talking about but I say go for it. She proceeds to lick me from one ear, under my neck, all the way to the other ear in the most unsexy manner ever. I’m left with slobber all over me.

The licking proceeds even after I tell her she can stop and my friends drunkenly stumble in hours later from the party. We run out of there as early as we can.

Then I get a snap from her after a few hours when we made it back to my university. It was her and her 2 friends with the condom that had fallen out of my pocket sometime that night.

And it gets better. Over 2 months after that whole episode without any contact she messages me and asks if we are gonna be boyfriend/girlfriend or not.

I have never tindered since.

27. The Chef

My first and only Tinder date- I started talking to a cute guy, we hit it off really well. We’ll call him Greg. Greg lived in a town nearly an hour away so we texted for about two weeks before we decided to meet due to schedules. During this time Greg consistently attempted to wow with his food knowledge (I work in the fine dining restaurant industry) often telling me about what meal he was cooking for him and his roommates each night. After several days of talking he then asks me to come to his house so he would be able to cook for me. I oblige figuring what’s the worst that could happen I’ve talked to him several times and felt okay about the whole situation. The day comes and we meet somewhere neutral and I follow him to his house, all the while him explaining how excited he is to cook for me.

We arrive at his place everything is going really great, he’s exactly as I pictured him and his personality fits me perfect. Dinner time rolls around and he tells me he needs to go downstairs to begin prep. I become eager and say Id love to help, he insists I stay on the couch and relax. We continue to talk across rooms and I can’t see what’s going on in the kitchen. He puts something in the oven and says it will be ready in just a bit and that he made extra in case I was hungry.

Fifteen minutes late Greg leaps off the couch to a timer and runs to the kitchen. He brings sauces first saying the they are the best part; he lays ketchup, ranch and BBQ sauce on the table. I begin to get confused wondering what he made as he refused to tell me announcing that he wanted to keep it a secret. Greg returns to the kitchen to retrieve the plates, he walks in and carries a turkey platter to the table. I gaze into what had to be no less than three bags of frozen fries he had displayed on a turkey platter for our dinner. He looks at me eagerly awaiting my reaction for me to lose it, I begin uncontrollably laughing and his smile drops as I say this is great thank you, assuming this was a gag meal and he had prepared dinner to follow. No Greg invited me to dinner to cook me his specialty, Frozen French Fries.

They were delicious fries… And the sauce was the best part.

28. The Freakout

I messaged a cute blonde girl one day, got a response, and after a while of back and forth making each other laugh and getting along, I mention I’m in a wheelchair, and suddenly she was losing her fucking mind talking about our future and how she wants to explore places like Australia and I wouldn’t be able to do that with her because of my wheelchair.

I let her go on for a while to see if she’d ever bring it around to a normal person thought process but it never happened. She lost her fucking mind.

29. The Tinder Version Of “The Hangover”

Long-ass story: About eight months ago, Tinder date. She suggests brunch at Max’s Wine Dive on McKinney. (We’re in Dallas.) I pick her up at the Arpeggio apartments in Victory Park. She’s not ready, so she buzzes me in. Her apartment is beautiful, lots of high-dollar stuff, no roommate.

We go to Max’s at 1pm. She drinks an entire bottle of champagne by herself. We leave, and in the car she says she wants to stop by a shop in West Village. I park in the parking garage and get out. I look for her and don’t see her. I hear a noise, so I look around my car and she’s squatting next to the wall peeing on the ground.

We go into the shop. She takes a few dresses into the changing room and tells me to come over. I stand outside the changing room and she pulls me inside. She completely undresses, gets in the clothes, asks me what I think, undresses, gets in more clothes, etc.

She takes about $1,500 worth of clothes to the counter and tells the cashier she really has to pee. Cashier says sorry. My date begs, so cashier relents and takes her into the back, but it’s too late. The damage is done. She also buys a new pair of pants.

On the way back to her apartment, she answers a call and starts talking in a foreign language that I can’t place. Couldn’t even guess the continent. She’s very nervous and upset. She hangs up and tells me she has to go to her other apartment at the Cirque, also in Victory Park. She asks me to go in with her. We go into her apartment which is also completely beautiful and belongs only to her. She has a badass telescope that I start playing with. In the mirror, I see her open a safe and put something in her purse. She tells me we need to leave and asks me to take her to my house.

We go to my house and she instantly passes out. Stays passed out for about 6 hours. Wakes up, wants Dairy Queen. It’s closed and she starts crying. I take her to Sonic. She gets a cheeseburger, a chili dog, cheese fries, and a sundae. We come home, she eats it and throws up. Passes out on my couch. I read and go to sleep.

Next morning she asks if she can stay and watch football. I tell her I have plans and need to take her home. She says she can’t go to either of her apartments. I tell her too bad, I have plans, and drop her off at Cirque. She texted asking when we could see each other again but I never responded.

30. The Absolute Psycho

Tinder date with a “famous” chef where I was taken to a dive bar, where he promptly starting talking about how famous he was. We drank and watched sports, he proceeded to tell me “You’re cute” and this eventually went to “I am going to make you bleed.” He then invited one of his friends to come along. I went outside and he came up to kiss me. I was drunk, so I kissed back. Eventually he proceeded to tell me how he was “being charged with battering his ex-girlfriend, but he totally didn’t do it.”

Eventually when it came time to pay the bill, “he lost his wallet.” Of course, I get stuck with it. “I’ll pay you back.”. (Needless to say I never got a payment).

Then he leaned up against me. I thought he was trying to kiss me again, but I looked down, and he was peeing on me. In the street. Peeing. On. Me.

I swiftly, being too inebriated to drive, went and got myself a hotel room and a hot shower.

Never again.