1. The Farm Cat
I had a farm cat when I was a teenager that loved to climb up and sit on the roof. Problem was, he had the habit of rolling over for a tummy rub whenever he saw a person. So it was a distressingly common occurrence to walk near the house and have him roll right off the roof. You’d think after the first three times he’d have learned, but no. He lived a long life despite himself.
2. Sam, The Dog
My dog Sam once grabbed his rear leg in his mouth and tried to walk off with it. He didn’t get very far.
When she was a puppy my dog would ‘bury’ her toys in the middle of the room. She’d dig the carpet, making a ‘hole’, she’d then meticulously place the toy in the hole, then bury it with her paws and nose, shoveling the supposed dirt over it.
There’d just be a ball in the middle of the floor but she was satisfied it was buried and she’d trot off happily.
4. Shadow Boxer
I once had a dog that would spend all day chasing shadows and reflections on the walls. When he “caught” them he would just sit and lick the wall, he could have easily licked the wall for hours on end.
It started when a friend got a laser pointer for his dog. Now mine will chase anything that moves, including his own shadow. He will slam his head into the wall after a light or sometimes just sit for hours and watch the spot. This sounds funny and cute, except he’s a 100lb Chocolate Lap.
When you wear a headlamp or carry a flashlight he freaks out and will stay in the light spot the whole time. Me and my dad replaced the flooring in my house and wore head lamps to help when we were working in corners, etc… He would stand there all day long and watch the shiny spot.
You turn the light off and he’s the most normal dog ever, not the smartest, but hey he’s a lab and that’s kinda their demeanor.
I have a six year old cat that still doesn’t know how doors work. When you open the door to let her out, she runs behind it and tries to go through the crack by the hinges. She’ll stand there meowing at you like “I can’t fit through here…do something.”
My dog likes to play fetch with tiny objects. She’s brought me a blade of grass, a tiny stone, blossom, a seed… stuff so small that it just sticks to her tongue and she has to lick you a few times to get it to stick to your leg. Then she just nudges it until you attempt to throw it.
I have a really old, really stupid cockatiel named Tina.
Every Monday when the garbage truck comes the noise of it wakes her up, but because the cover is over the cage she can’t see anything and so she starts screaming. It’s like she’s thought, “Oh shit, I’ve gone blind!”
She likes to waddle around the floor with my other cockatiel, Alex, who is her mate. But she’ll walk behind the curtain and then freak out because she can’t see Alex and thinks he’s vanished. So she starts screaming again.
She likes to chew through perches, while she’s standing on the perch.
This weekend I bought a new doormat for the balcony. But I can’t use it because for some reason Tina thinks this fucking doormat is the most terrifying thing in the world. She just froze in place with her crest up and wouldn’t move until I took the doormat away.
My wife heard the cat screaming like it was being mauled by a lion.
She went outside and looked under the house to see the cat, being mauled… by a lizard on her paw.
One day, after we had gotten 7 or 8 inches of snow, my cat decided to be a brave adventurer and dash out of the door. She knows she absolutely hates snow, but always does this. (I must also note, that she has no clue what the fuck to do when she gets outside. She starts making this ridiculous meow/scream that is mind blowingly hilarious.)
She runs out, jumps into the snow and dissappears. I’m sitting there letting her learn her lesson. I hear a muffled meow scream as she very very slowly lifts her head up above the snow. Her mouth stays wide open, her eyes pure and total regret, and continues to stare at me doing this meow until I came and picked her up.
She did it again an hour later.
I have a cat called Harley, he’s the sweetest boy but he’s as dumb as a block of wood. Here are some of his most memorable moments:
Every time he comes into the house through the back door he’ll jump up onto a wooden table that’s just inside, and every single time he does this, he slides right across the length of the table, and tumbles off of the other end.
Now most people think cats are very meticulous when they choose a place to sleep, not Harley. He can be standing in a bed of roses, and he will just drop to the floor and pass out where he lands.
On more than one occasion, I’ve returned home to find him curled up in the middle of the road. Even worse, he hears me coming, lifts his head up, then goes right back to sleep. It’s a miracle that he’s not dead yet.
One Christmas he decided to climb the christmas tree. How do I know this? Harley’s on the heavier side of the scales. You can probably guess what happens next. This was not the last time he attempted to climb the christmas tree.
I could go on, but I’m already hours behind something I should have already started on.
My pug charges head first into the tv. Every night. Without fail. For eight years.
My cat is one of God’s special creatures. She has this thing about sticking her head in things, and when she get stuck she will either cry so I come help her out or she will come to me and sit sadly waiting for me to remove it.
This was one of those times.
My cat Myrtle has a thing for the shower curtain, I was showering a couple of weeks ago and she dived at it, she ended up in the shower with me covered in foam, shower was slippery and no matter how fast she tried to run she was going nowhere, I get the impression it was one of those “i’m only ever going to do that once” moments!!
My dog ate a Christmas ornament.
My dog gets really jealous of when my parents feed local birds that come into our garden. One day dad through a piece of bread out to the birds, and she sprinted out to get it before they could get it.
One problem: once she had it, she had no idea what to do with it as she clearly didn’t want to eat it. She walked around the yard with it in her mouth for ages, then decided to bury it. However, when she went to bury it she obviously forgot she could dig with her paws because they are for standing! She dug a hole with her head and buried it. I have it on video.
This is towards the end of the dig.
My cat won’t use the litter box. He poops in the potted plants around the house. But not the real ones. He only poops in the fake plants. And that’s why his name is Dipshit.
My cat doesn’t know how to bury his poop. He just hits the wall of the poo box repeatedly then leaves the poop on top without so much as remotely disturbing the litter around the poop.
My cat paws at the ground outside the litter box. If there’s any clothes nearby he’ll drag them over and into the litter box to cover his poop as well.
20. The Willie Strap
I knew a woman who owned an elderly basset hound, male. She said finally they had to make him wear an elastic hair band around his waist so the could get his Willie off the ground. Also out of the snow.
21. Trapped! Again!
My dog continuously, usually more than once a day, almost every day for years, goes into a room, closes the door, and then a few hours later barks at us to open it. She hasn’t learned yet.
22. The Clumsy Grump
So far, my cat Jack has fallen head first into a kitchen trash can and a toilet, fell off a windowsill after biting his tail, tried to jump on my bed like it was a trampoline (only to fall of of that as well), get his head stuck in a glass of beer, get his fat ass stuck in my boot (long story), and get the shit kicked out of our other cat because he slept in her favorite cat bed.
I once had a Pit Bull that would would go out of his way to be lazy.
He’d lay down on the couch, tummy up, then sliiiide halfway down onto the floor so his head and forelegs were on the ground but his hind legs remained on the couch. Then, I swear on my life, he would gesture to his belly as if to say “it ain’t gonna scratch itself”.
Another dog I owned was in love with my neighbor’s dog and when they were out on walks, Jojo barked and cried at the window in excitement. When she realized they were walking away, she’d run into my room whining in disappointment.
Miss those dummies.
I have two dumb cats, Frisky and Pesky. They were born feral, under a friend’s porch. Frisky used to think he was a dog (he would play fetch with and occasionally swallow thrown hairbands and we once caught him drinking out of the toilet) and Pesky used to think he was a baby (he would lie in a doll bed and my little sister would dress him up and he would drink out of a bottle). Here are their stories:
Frisky and the Cellphone Charger
One day, Frisky discovered a plugged-in cellphone charger. He decided to lick it. He was promptly shocked, and jumped back with a meow of pain. So he did it again. Shock. Meow. And again. Shock. Meow. At this point the charger was taken away so he wouldn’t electrocute himself.
Cats vs Christmas Tree
We recently purchased a new Christmas tree due to cat damage. They loved to bat at the ornaments (normal), climb on the tree (normal but destructive), and eat the lightbulbs (???). Seriously. We lost an entire section of the tree lights because they ate so many. To this day we’re not sure if they actually swallowed the glass or just spit it out.
Frisky and Pesky’s Great Escape
We keep our cats indoors because we’re worried they might go out exploring and get lost and never come home. Our cats, being feral, tend to enjoy the outdoors. We mostly sate their desires by letting them out on the screened-in porch or with a leash. One day, someone left the porch door open, and Frisky and Pesky made a break for it. They didn’t get far. Frisky stuck close to the house and meowed for help, while Pesky made it to the other side of a neighbor’s house and then huddled in a corner in fear. Both cats were safely returned, and it seems they’ve learned their lesson.
When my dog was a puppy she was convinced our TV was a window. When we lived in our apartment, behind our TV was the stairs up to the bedrooms. More than once when we were watching shows with animals in them she would run up the stairs to right behind the TV looking for those animals.
Not long after we’d first gotten her we were lying on our bed watching her drink water (it was a sight to see. Water went EVERYWHERE), and she’d gone on so long my husband called her name. She looked up mid-drink and choked herself on the water.
She also had never seen stairs before we got her. So she watched our other dog who had exceptionally short legs hop up and down the stairs. So until the day we moved, this long-legged, clumsy-as-hell, can’t-lift-a-leg-to-scratch-without-falling-over German shepherd hopped up and down the stairs, too.
We had an adorable greyhound called Bertie, who was sadly put to sleep last month. Definitely the Kevin of the canine world. One time we were having some fencing replaced in the back garden, and when we got back from our walk the workmen had taken down all of the fencing but left the gate standing.
Bertie stood by the gate waiting for it to be opened despite the fact that he could have easily walked round either side. I tried pushing him round? Nope. Just wagged his tail and looked at me. Walked round myself and tried to lead him? Nope. I had to actually open the gate, whereupon he happily trotted through. The workmen were pissing themselves laughing.
He’d also regularly wake himself up with his own farts and stare accusingly at us. Like “hey, who threw that firecracker and woke me up?” Miss him every day.
My cat likes to play with plastic Easter eggs. She picks a half up in her mouth, and trots around with it, yowling all the while, with the egg functioning as an amplifier.
One year we got the kids these big eggs full of candy, and eventually she found one and tried to play with it the same way. Except when she picked it up, it flipped up over face and covered her eyes. She panicked and started running around like AW MAH GORD IM BLIND, clanging into the baseboard heaters and what ever else. It was hysterical!
She finally dropped it, and stood there dazed. “I CAN SEE AGAIN IT’S A MIRACLE! Oh look an egg!” And picked up the egg and did it again. And again. And again. I finally threw the damn thing away because she would do it in middle of the night.
Whenever I give my cat too much wet food that she can’t finish, she will try to bury it. Using the wall.