My friend frequently says this to girls:
“You wanna have the best sex of your life?”
“Then I’m the guy for you.”
“You a fine piece of ass for a white boy.” -elderly black lady, Atlanta
Me: “I get so touchy-feely when I get drunk.”
Her: “Want to grab a drink?”
She said, “Normally I’m a total lesbian, but you’re really cute.” Then it turned out that she is one of the few people I’ve met who I just don’t like as a person. Bummer.
Me: “I like your shirt.”
Cashier: “I like your face.”
This happened in the early 2000’s…..
He said, “excuse me, may I bother you for a pen?”
My friend dug in her purse and found him a pen.
He said, “Again, I am so sorry. do you also have a piece of scrap paper?”
My friend dug again through her purse and found him a piece of paper.
A few moments go by and here comes the guy again and says, “last time I’ll bother you, I promise. May I have your number now that I have a pen and paper?”
She was not amused.
Was walking through Wal-Mart with my wife, two cashiers were standing off to the side of us, as we walk by, the male cashier says, “Dibs on the Blonde!” Confused, I turn and look, he’s glaring right at me. My wife is brunette. I was the blonde.
My wife, some co-workers, and I were in Philly for a convention. Friday evening we went to South Street and just walked around a bit, and found a bar that wasn’t super crowded. Everyone sat at a table by the street but we weren’t getting any service. I walked over to the bar and ordered a round of drinks for our table.
While I’m waiting on my drinks, I notice a guy has sorta sidled up next to me. He leans over and says “Hey, I was sent here by my friend to invite you to our party across the street.” I said “Across the street?” He replies “Yeah, come here I’ll show you.”
We walked out of the bar (a very short walk) and he pointed across the street at a big second-floor balcony. There was about 40 dudes up there smiling at waving at us. I laughed and said “Oh, I’m not gay! Hell, that’s my wife over there.” He shrugged, and as he walked off he said “Have fun at the lesbian bar.” That’s when I noticed we were indeed in a lesbian bar.
I’m super tall at 6’9″ for reference. Most girls have no game when it comes to pickup lines. I was at a concert a few months ago and this short girl came up with some serious A+ shit.
She tugged at my shirt from behind and motions for me to bend over a bit for her. So I do and she says, ‘you know it’s been a while since I climbed a tree.’ My first thought was what the shit is she talking about when suddenly as I’m still leaned over she jumps on my back and shimmies her way up till she’s sitting on my shoulders. Then says she’s not getting down but if I want to walk her over to the bar she’ll buy us both a drink.
Well fucking played short girl.
Not sure if this is the best, but I was for sure taken aback by it.
This girl I had just met (friend of a friend) turns to me and goes…
“Are you gay?”
“No” (I’m a straight male)
“Oh I was just wondering because (Friend’s names) told me all the gay guys here were more attractive than the straight guys.”
This turned out to be my first one night stand.
I had a bully in college, if you can believe it. He was this jerk in my class that used to make fun of me for being anorexic (I really was). He would make comments every class and I felt too old to be going to the professor about it so I’d sit as far away as possible. One day while walking to my car, he came up behind me, made some comment about how I was going to blow away it was so windy and threw a half eaten big mac at my head. It got all over my hair. One of the guys in my class, who was obviously aware this has been happening, came up and punched him right in the mouth, knocked him flat on his back. The guy who punched him (not my bully) came over to me afterwards, as I was just in awe, and said “I’ve been trying to ask you out for awhile now but never built up the courage and that guy just really pisses me off and I hope I didn’t just ruin my chances, because I’m really not a jerk. That guy is. I’m totally hitting on you by hitting on him.”
He was super cool. We went on a few dates but ended up being friends.
At a party, took my hand and led me into a back bedroom, closed/locked the door and started stripping off her clothes.
Non-subtle clues always work the best.
Was at a highlighter party freshman year of college (you set up a black light, everyone wears white and brings highlighters to draw on each other) and as soon as I walked in with my friend, one of her friends walked right up to me and wrote “SEX MACHINE” in big block letters on my chest.
Met a German girl in Amsterdam, apparently she was a BJJ purple belt (I’m a blue belt). Out of nowhere she said that “I always love when a hot guy chokes me out, want to try?”
Drunk girl: “Are you from Tennessee?”
Friend of drunk girl: “gah* you ask if they are from Memphis.”
When I was in college I was sitting in the lounge of my dorm doing some studying when this girl, who was a year older than me was passing by the hallway with a pizza. We had talked a few times before and I had the sense that she had a thing for me and I found her incredibly attractive. She says to me, “Hey, I just got this pizza and I can’t finish all of it, do you want to come to my room and watch House?” I of course didn’t hesitate, who could resist a beautiful girl and pizza.
Once she had me in her room she made a move before we even ate a slice. It was super attractive to me that she was so straight forward, it was my first semester at college and I was not used to women being like that. All in all it was the best way to be picked up and some of the best sex I’ve ever had. Also, we did end up eating pizza and watching House afterwards.
Back in HS a girl passed me a note, typical HS I know. Got to class and opened it; “Did you know that I want your body. If you didn’t, you know now.” I’m married to her. Long story, but this short one is true and fun too. I still have the note.
A little over a year ago, a girl who I had recently met came up to my apartment (she lived in the same building) to drink beer and play video games with myself and my roommate. Immediately after heading back downstairs, she texted me “Why haven’t we hooked up yet?”
I appreciated the directness because I’d had no idea she liked me. We’ve been dating ever since.
Had a girl at the office do something, really don’t even remember what. I shook my head and said “Aw man, you suck”.
She responded, “Yeah I do, the big question is do I swallow.”
My current gf asked me out by walking up to me after work (a complete stranger until this moment) putting her hand on my arm, looking at me with smoldering eyes, and just kissed me. Apparently she had been checking me out for a long time, too nervous to say anything, and finally built up the courage to do it.
A girl once came up to me at a bar and asked, “Hey what’s the square root of 69?”
So I told her it’s about 8.3.
She made a weird face, said “oh” and walked away.
An hour later we see her again at the bar next door. She walks up to me again.
“Hey what’s the square root of 100?”
I said, “Ten.”
She said, “Are you sure? Because I could have sworn the answer was you.”
I was a little bit drunk and said, “Nope, it’s definitely 10. “U” isn’t even a number. I guess hypothetically since it’s a variable it CAN be correct but then you’re not really solving the equation are you. What is it with you and math anyway?”
She said “wow” and walked away again. My friends laughed at me and told me she was hitting on me.
I was like, “oh.”
So I found her in the bar and I went up to her and asked, “Hey what’s the square root of having sex tonight?”
She looked confused as fuck. So I asked her again and laughed.
She goes, “Dude what the fuck”
And I say “I don’t know you’re the one who’s wet for math” and for some reason I winked.
She told me to get the fuck away.
Went back to my friends who were cracking up even harder.
Turns out the girl left earlier, the chick I said that to was some random girl that looked similar
Random girl walks up to me, calls me weird. Buddy of mine apologizes. They hook up and shit.
I walk home alone.
Found the original girl on Tinder completely on accident days later. We matched. Holy shit.
I message her. “Hey what’s the square root of 69? :)”
She messaged me back. “It’s about 8.3.”
We never talked again.
I was working a concession stand at my local fair, and a gentleman came up and purchased food. 5 minutes later, I noticed he was standing at the counter again. I approached him and said, “Is everything ok? Did I forget something?” and he said “Yeah, you forgot to give me your number.” Texted a few times, then he just quit responding. I’m pretty sure he did it on a dare.
Girl asked me to show her my new iPhone. She asked me how to enter new contacts and put in her number.
I brought up birthday plans with my female co-worker and she said “I can’t wait to get you drunk and take advantage of you”
Just stood there smiling like a dumbass.
I was traveling abroad with a theatre group and at a pub in Edinburgh I got this one:
Him: “Have you come in Scotland before?”
Me: (with confused look) “Do you mean ‘Have I come TO Scotland before?'”
It didn’t happen to me but a great one I’ve seen goes as follows;
Guy: “Excuse me, you see that guy over there in the red shirt?”
Red shirt guy waves
Girl: “Erm yeah..”
Guy: “Well he was wondering if I could buy you a drink?”
I was probably 16 she was probably 20 so I don’t think she was coming on to me but. I walk into a pizza place and this gorgeous woman walks up to me and says something in Italian while looking right at me. I asked her what she said and she replied “you have beautiful eyes.”
I literally melted, literally I was a puddle on the floor.
“Your ass should be bronzed and put in The Smithsonian.”
Girl walks into the party, scans the room, points to me and says to her friend “that one.” Then she walked up to me and asked me if I wanted to be hers tonight. I’m normally a pretty confident guy but that left me speechless.
A guy took a bee out of my hair one time, made a lame joke about how sweet I was, something something honey. I thought it was cute.