If you can’t think of anything sexy to say, don’t say anything at all / just make noises appropriate to your enjoyment level.
No no #24:
“Your penis feels amazing!”
My mouth sometimes moves faster than my brain. The amount of times as a male I’ve told my girlfriend “I’m so fucking wet.” is in the tens.
If it’s a one night stand, and she says you don’t have to wear a condom, you should definitely wear a condom.
If you’re going to suck a vibrator seductively, turn the fucking thing off first.
If your girlfriend cracks a tooth on a vibrator, don’t laugh!
I remember when I first started dating 6 years ago, I’m 25, and I’d get a bj not knowing how to go about ejaculating. So I’d ask where to go and it always ruined the moment. Finally, a few years back I started just saying, “I’m about to finish” and let them handle it how they want to. So I guess that’s a rule.
Ladies, when you’re on top don’t go so crazy that you start catching air. Nothing is a quicker boner-killer than being afraid you might snap it.
If you recently ate spicy foods, wash your hands! I’ve found that ladies do not appreciate a surprise spicy vagina.
8. Here Is Why
Ahhhhh I did this to my ex on the way back from a ski trip. We ate the spiciest goddamn wings ever and had a couple of beers.
Got a little playful in the car with my hand. Cue to me stopping and her sitting butt naked in a snow bank trying to ice off her crotch.
Hilarious for me. not so much for her
If it slips out the one on top puts it back in.
This should be more well known. I’ve had moments where both us us just lay there waiting for the other person to do it or, more awkward, doing a secret handshake with my dick.
Never make fun of someones orgasm face.
Don’t always speed up if she is liking it. Women like rhythm, damnit!
Woman: “Don’t stop!”
Man: changes pace and speeds up
WHY. Just, WHY?!?!?! Orgasm gone.
If he or she has trouble finishing, don’t just stop attempting to get them there. And don’t rush them.
I should add this: know your partner’s limits, stop if it’s obviously not going to happen, and don’t shame them if it doesn’t happen.
15. No V To A
V to A, you’re okay!
A to V, hurts when you pee!
16. Please Don’t
Don’t fart while receiving oral.
You’re gonna want to ask before you venture to brown town. And I’m not just talking about trying to stuff your cock in her ass like it’s the last helicopter out of Saigon, I mean a finger, a tongue…anything.
Nothing kills a good fuck session like you getting a little adventurous and trying to rim the poor girl out if she’s not into it. She clenches up and pulls away and says “what are you doing?!” You realize you’ve blown it. Again.
She doesn’t consider her asshole fair game and now all she’s thinking about is shit. There’s no going back.
18. No Excuses
Have fun in there. Be vocal and lively. Nobody Most people don’t like sex with a lifeless body.
Nipple play is great but they are not jerky, please don’t bite, suck way too hard, and/or chew on them like you’re trying to take them off.
Edit: I mean, bite as in chomp like an alligator doing a death roll.
How about this: It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to point. However there can be NO pointing and laughing.
If you’re receiving a blow job, give a courtesy tap before you blow your load, for the love of all that is holy. Just a heads up is all we ask.
If someone says they’re not comfortable with something then it ends there. You can discuss it later, but don’t push the issue.
Sex is messy so go apeshit on one another and don’t think about what’s going on.
If your bodies push together in a weird way and you make a fart noise with your chests or something, it’s okay to laugh. That shit is funny.
Don’t shout some hilarious catchphrase when you come. My friend used to do that with his girlfriend all the time, and it wound her up something fierce.
One week it was “hiyooooo!” the next week it was “joooyyy!” (in the voice of Stimpy). Even though it nearly caused them to break up, he still carried on doing it..that is until, after reaching the end of her rope, his girlfriend started shouting “Nooooiiiice!” in the gruffest, most manly voice she could manage whenever she orgasmed. My friend stopped after that.