Hardworking American citizens today are just plain fed up with the general state of affairs—and why shouldn’t they be? They labor day in and day out, pouring blood, sweat, and tears into their work, only to see themselves grow poorer and their precious income vultured upon by a highly-intrusive government. Day after day, Uncle Sam shows up on doorsteps, telling people how to live their lives. Week after week, precious tax dollars go to waste on federal public programs, all for lazy good-for-nothings to sit on their heinies and exploit the common man. Is this fair? Don’t the people know what they want? Isn’t every man capable of running his own show? I say, enough is enough!
Finally, I’ve devised a nine-step plan to solve this exponentially-terrifying crisis. I call it the Citizens’ Asteroid Ownership Program (CAOP). In this program, every American citizen who chooses to participate receives one privately-owned asteroid to inhabit for the remainder of his/her existence—in outer space, far from the grasp of the U.S. government and its respective leeches. The primary principle: Let no outside forces tell a man how to govern his life!
Here’s how it works:
Decide what type of asteroid you’d like to live on. Are you more of a carbonaceous man with a stony, silicate heart, or do you prefer the smooth, metallic feel of pure nickel-iron under your feet? The choice is yours!
Choose your method of transport. Whether a state-of-the-art rocket, an abandoned shuttle, or some type of leather balloon you constructed in your backyard, all space vehicles are powered by whatever fossil fuel you desire. No government should ever tell you how to get to YOUR asteroid! (Note: any assistance from NASA is strictly prohibited.)
Fundraise for your trip. The journey is going to cost a hefty chunk of pocket change, so make sure you have all your finances in order. Since you’re better than asking the government for any assistance here, try shopping at a few banks for a loan or two. You can also venture door-to-door to any Fortune 500 corporations, or you can even hold a bake sale. The opportunities are endless!
Determine your primary means of sustenance. Eat whatever genetically-modified, calorie-bloated meat product you want! Drink however many gallons of cola you desire! Nobody tells an American in space what to do!
Choose the right materials to construct your asteroid palace. Remember that you’ll be in an atmosphere-free environment, so your practical choices are pretty limited. But still… it’s up to you!
Compose a new constitution. YOU write the laws! YOU are the President! YOU are Congress! YOU are the Supremest of Courts! Want to stockpile your space rock with thousands of firearms? That’s your right! Want to ban a particular type of marriage between you and yourself? That’s also your right! Want to deny affordable healthcare to any small alien parasites that might cling to your asteroid for dear life? You’ve worked hard. You deserve this!
The best part is: it’s YOUR Constitution, so you can interpret it however you want, whenever you want.
Establish your own media network. Propagate any old statement as fact and believe whatever you wish. Find another asteroid to blame for all your personal troubles. Hurl insults at other space objects for no particular reason whatsoever. It’s your show!
Discover creative ways to pass the time. Don’t fall into the traps of paralyzing ennui or even think about the family you left behind to pursue this dream of yours. In fact, it’s probably best if you keep self-reflection to a minimum. Find out if there’s Internet in space; your message boards are going to miss you.
Remain at peace for the rest of your days. Realize that you’ve finally made it. All your dreams are fulfilled. There’s no one to argue with, no government regulations, and, best of all, YOU’RE finally in control. Isn’t this what you’ve wanted all along?