“What is it that you fear the most?” someone asked me.
I pretended to think for a while, and responded with my go-to answer:
But I knew it wasn’t heights, nor was it spiders, or the dark. It was rather this constant fear of getting attached, of letting people in, of showing someone my vulnerable side.
Attachment leads to vulnerability, and being vulnerable gives the other person an infinite number of ways to hurt you, and that can be terrifying.
People, in fear of being vulnerable, will constantly push others away, just like me. We push people away when we get too attached, because seeing the walls that we’ve built around our worn out and battered hearts crumble slowly scares us.
And thus, we push and push, because that’s what we know how to do best. Too scared of people seeing our imperfections, we push others away. Too scared of getting hurt, we push others away. Too scared of being the one who loves more, we push others away.
Being vulnerable also opens up our insecurities. Our insecurities fill our minds with thoughts that you will leave us for someone else eventually. And so, we push you away before you push us away because it’s easier to forget someone whom we pushed away rather than forgetting someone who pushed us away.
Sometimes, we end up saying things we don’t mean, in our attempts to push you away. But the truth is, despite all our attempts to push you away, we want you to stay.
It is when we push you away that we need you the most.
Pull us back in right into your arms when we push you away, because we really don’t want you to leave, but we’re just confused, and scared, and naive. Sometimes we push you away to see how far you’re willing to stay, because people come and go, but the ones who matter the most will always stay. They see our best and love us, and find us at our worst and still love us with the same intensity.
We just need time to get used to getting attached and being vulnerable without the fear of losing you or getting judged for our insecurities. It may take days, months, or years but you just have to be patient.
It is then, when we love you out of fear, that you will feel the most loved by anyone and experience the brightest love. We will love you today, like there’s no tomorrow.
Always remember, we push people away to protect ourselves, not because we are incapable of loving or not because we don’t want you in our lives anymore. No matter how much we push people away, the ones with the purest intentions and the most caring hearts will always pull us back in right into their loving arms.
We hope that one day your love will defeat our fear of getting hurt.