Because You Fell Out Of Love With Me

I won’t even count the number of days, but it feels like a lifetime already. 

I can’t remember the last time I thought of you and smiled genuinely. When I think you, I’m brought to tears. I miss you. 

I miss all the random laughs we would have talking about nonsense. Now when we talk, we don’t really talk. We just stay on the line while doing something else. That’s how we talk nowadays. 

It used to be me talking about my day; you telling me all the great things that have been happening to you. Now, we have the fights. You’d be arguing about how I don’t understand you, I’d be crying while I do the same. And then we’d give up the fight and just sleep it off. 

And then we try one more day. We try to forget last night’s pain by starting fresh the next morning. The wake up calls became good morning texts, which wasn’t that bad. Until the “good morning” texts were replaced by “I’m at work” texts. No good mornings, no nothing else. Just that update that you’re at work already. 

I used to think it was just a stage, that we’d probably get over it, but it just doesn’t seem to end. 

At work, I’m starting to learn how to not show any trace of pain or struggle the minute I step at the office. I feel like I’ve been using my work as an escape from the misery our relationship has been bringing me. 

It’s weird, it’s just now that I admit how deep I’m in this already — so deep that I let my feelings from this take over my whole life.  

Five days a week, I go to work on the hopes of getting by another day missing someone I just lost one day. When at work, I forget almost all the pain until I think of you. There’s always that hint of pain, but I have my friends at work to fool around with to block off that pain.

I tried drinking countless nights to forget, but at the end of the day, when I am alone again, I think of you and wonder if you go through the same things.

I am a sad person and no one would really know it.

The other day, I thought of paying a visit to one of my friends. I had gotten used to crying so much that I don’t even mind crying in front of my friends anymore the minute I see them. I yearn for comfort from all these people; I yearn for them to understand the pain that I am going through. Because you won’t. I try to make them understand because when I tell you these things, it seems to you that what I’m feeling is just insanity. 

There are days I’d like to make myself feel good by just letting out that big “I can do this.”

Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, it doesn’t. 

I’ve become so susceptible to the pain that whatever form of healing I take won’t work anymore. The pain would just come back again and again. It’s been going on for months now. 

There are nights when I’d have to sleep with the lights on for a very weird reason. Apparently, the darkness makes me feel sadder. Because I don’t see what I’ve been doing to myself. When the lights are on, I see the pain I’m putting myself through, and I am encouraged to stop torturing myself. Of course, I get tired of the crying, too. So that’s what “crying yourself to sleep” feels like. 

People would ask me why I stay, and I repeatedly say how much I love you.

They ask me to love myself more, and I couldn’t. How could I when I feel so worthless? Like the fault is with me. Every bit of it. I feel like I am never good enough. I second guess myself a lot of times. What have I been doing wrong? Why does it feel like I have been wrong for the longest time, and that I never did anything right?

It hurts. Just so, so much. TC mark

featured image – Lulu Lovering

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