After a two year relationship, I recently became single this summer, something that stuck out to me was that during my two years with my ex-boyfriend, I thought we were having “good” sex. Maybe the fact I got off once every two months made me happy, I told myself this was normal. In hindsight, it was not normal. This summer I met someone new and embarked on a crazy and wild sexual adventure. Having actual mind-blowing sex will make you look back on your old sex partners and think, “why did I settle for that when I could have had this?” Bad sex is pretty easy to realize, but mediocre sex is elusive. I think the reason is that a lot of mediocre sex involves feeling good, but never actually peaking to what you wish it would be.
1.You think about other things.
I’m not talking mild thoughts like “shit, did I leave the oven on?”. I’m talking planning out your next essay or tomorrow’s outfit while you are literally being thrusted back and forth. Throughout sex with my ex, I constantly found my mind wandering to my to-do list, my goals, and mundane things that happened to me that day, but rarely ever lived in the moment and focused on the sexual experience itself. While everyone has bad days and it’s easy to get wrapped in your own problems, if this is happening often it’s a red flag.
2.You count the minutes until it’s over
Instead of lavishing in the sexual experience and feeling a deep connection with another person, you are counting down the minutes and your inner monologue sounds something like “Will you please just climax already! American Horror Story comes on in five minutes!”
3.You get dressed immediately after
Your most private parts have just been immersed in another person’s most private parts, but after sex, you find yourself reaching for your bra, t-shirt, or boxers to cover up your exposed and naked body. This is a major red flag because it shows your lack of comfort with the individual. If you can only be naked around them during sex there is some lack of confidence in yourself but also in how they make you feel. If you feel compelled to put on your clothes immediately after, think to yourself what it would be like to lay naked with this person for twenty minutes. If it makes your skin crawl, then you are wasting your time. Good sex requires a deep level of comfort and understanding. If you’re scared to be naked around someone how will you ever open yourself up to a level that allows you to experience even greater sexual pleasure?
4.You only get off in a certain position
For me, my mediocre sex usually started with about two minutes of missionary that then led to doggy style. Sadly, I would get excited because once I flipped over to doggy I knew it would be over soon. Doggy style was the only way my ex could get off. While I found some personal red flags in this one, it says a lot about the sex you are having. While some positions feel better than others, good sex allows you to be open enough to test new positions. Even if trying new positions means you might not get off, you still want to share the experience and experimentation with your sexual partner. The Kama Sutra exists for a reason, and trust me, no one wants to have to take it doggy style the rest of their life.
5.You fantasize about OTHER sexual experiences
If you find yourself fantasizing about a sexual experience that isn’t the one happening right at that second, one or more of your needs is not being met. In a comfortable sexual partnership, communication comes naturally. If you want to have a threesome, you should be able to tell your sex partner you want a threesome. If you want to masturbate in front of your partner, you should be able to let them know that. Communication is the foundation of good sex. If you’re scared to express your innermost desires to your partner, your sex life will never peak to the experience you know it could be.
6.You are scared to talk dirty
This goes along with “communication is key,” but if you’re scared to tell your partner exactly what you want them to do, then how will your needs ever be met fully? If you’re scared to even speak up during sex because you’re worried what your partner will think, then you are absolutely wasting your time. Dirty talk is fun and experimental, if you’re too embarrassed to talk dirty to your partner, it is likely that they do not make you feel comfortable with expressing yourself.
7.You are not honest with yourself
If you find yourself making excuses for your sex life, there is something wrong. If you are constantly telling yourself that the sex was just “meh” because you or your sexual partner are going through a “rough time,” you’re just making excuses. There was a point in my sex life where I didn’t have an orgasm for six months. SIX MONTHS, PEOPLE. That is a long time! And throughout those six months, I made excuses and I blamed myself. I thought, maybe I’m just one of those girls that has a really hard time having an orgasm? After having good sex in which getting off comes impressively easy to me, I have realized that I was just making excuses for continuing to have mediocre sex. Sex is an animal desire. Humans crave sex, and therefore even mediocre sex is better than no sex at all, and making the excuse that you’re at least getting any at all is an easy trap to fall into. But you still need to be honest with yourself. Is this sex fulfilling? Do you want to have sex with someone else? Do you wish you could be more open with your partner? All of these questions do not necessarily have to be the end all be all of a sexual relationship or a relationship in general, but you should never settle for “feels good” when you could have “holy shit, let’s do that again.”