There’s that brief period in the winter where everyone seems to either fall in love or break up. Falling in love is easy, it’s breaking up that is hard. In that sweet spot between New Years Eve and Valentine’s Day, hearts are broken. While there is no right way to deal with such an event, here are some great suggestions for moving on.
1. The Victorian Method
Taking to bed is sometimes the best way to deal with feelings. Sitting there surrounded by soft things is comforting. Crying endlessly into your pillow can only last so long, and this way you get it out of the way. Let everything out but never leave your bed. The key is making sure everything you need is within arms reach. Only leave bed if absolutely necessary.
2. Party Away the Sadness
Fuck it. You are newly single; you are freed from your relationship burdens. Take it to the town and ignore your problems. Go to that new bar down the street that you haven’t had the nads to go in. Blow a line of whatever substance happens to be placed in front of you. You don’t have someone to go home to, so stay up and let out your sadness on the dance floor. You have a free pass to do what you please. “Its okay, he/she just got dumped.”
3. Elaborate Scheming
Come up with the most complicated plan to get your ex back. Think out every detail imaginable. Plan it as if you were Seal Team 6. There is no such thing as too much planning in this method. Arrange an “accidental meeting” when you are wearing the perfect outfit in the perfect setting that will remind your new ex of what he/she is missing. Remind them of why they fell for you in the first place. And remember, it is okay to do a little stalking, just don’t go over board.
4. Misery Loves Company
There has to be someone there who will hang out with you, who is just as upset about his/her own life. Latch on to this person. Spill your soul to this person. Cry in this persons arms. Bitch endlessly. And when all that is taken care of, do the most important thing: enjoy each other. This person understands your pain, take the time to understand them. Give this person as much as they have given you. And when you hit the point when you are both satisfied, you can never speak again, but you will always have shared an intimate moment in time together.
5. Pretend it Never Happened
Deny, Deny, Deny. Refuse to be dumped. Refuse to move on. Act as if nothing happened. Go on being the girlfriend or boyfriend you’ve always been. If your significant other is weak willed, you might end up back in your relationship. If not, you can quickly become the most annoying person on the planet, but fuck it, what do you have to lose?
6. Make a Drastic Change
Do something completely uncharacteristic. Cut off all your hair, try out that new style you’ve been thinking about, join a club no one thought you would. Maybe its time to make that move you’ve been thinking about for the entirety of your relationship. Making this first step toward something new might be the best way to get out of the funk you’ve been forced into.
7. Build Yourself Up
You didn’t need that bitch/asshole/succubus/d-bag anyways. You are so much better than that. The new girl/guy your ex ends up with has nothing on you. You are strong, you are attractive, you are desirable. The biggest mistake your ex made is letting you go. In all reality, you are happy about this because now you can be as awesome as you were meant to be without his/her dead weight dragging you down!
8. Whore it up
Jump into bed with anyone you meet. Try something new in the bedroom. We all know you had confusing feelings for that girl who lived across the hall in your all female dorm, so dive some muff! That cute guy staring at you across the bar looks like he has a nice bed. Hit up that old booty call. Just keep fucking until you don’t remember why you felt so shitty in the first place.