1. Does he have a picture?
YES – Go to question 2
NO – Creeeeeepy.
2. Is he showing a face?
YES – Go to question 3
NO – Don’t waste your time. #aintnobodygottimeforthat
3. Is he fully clothed?
YES – Go to question 4
NO – Go to question 5
4. Is he looking for dates/relationships?
YES – Go to question 6
NO – This one’s a bit obvious.
5. Is he looking for chat/friends?
YES – Yeah, don’t kid yourself.
NO – Go to question 6
6. Does he have a description?
YES – Go to question 7
NO – Don’t waste your time with a guy who doesn’t make it clear what he wants, hook-up or not.
7. Is his description void of anything sexually explicit/implicit?
YES – Go to question 8
NO – I highly doubt he’s THAT big. PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.
8. Did he respond to your message?
YES – Go to question 9
NO – Not interested, and most likely just wanted to bang. It’s a meat market, after all.
9. Was his response “hey”, “hi”, “what’s up”, “you looking”?
YES – Oooh, sorry bro.
NO – Go to question 10
10. Did you actually sustain a conversation that was completely void of talk about sex?
YES – Go to question 11
NO – Hahaha, so you’re telling me he said WHAT again??
11. Does he continue pestering you after your conversation ends?
YES – Stop. #CLINGYALERT
NO – Go to question 12
12. Does he message you again at a non-late, pre-midnight time of the day?
YES – Go to question 13
NO – He’s definitely just looking to bang past midnight. Trust me.
13. Were phone numbers exchanged?
YES – Go to question 14
NO – Bummer! Guess the feels weren’t mutual!
14. Does he sound very non-creepy to you on the phone and makes you feel comfortable? (Yes, you should have at least ONE phone conversation before you actually meet the guy)
YES – Go to question 15
NO – IGNORE FURTHER CALLS/TEXTS FROM HIM.
15. Have you been communicating on the phone for longer than a week and genuinely enjoying the talks?
YES – ASK HIM OUT. TOTES worth a try if you made it this far! Congrats!
NO – Talk to him for a bit longer and speculate intentions. If you’re not really feeling it, friendzone him, ignore his texts, or gradually begin to seem disinterested in what he says.