For a charmingly neurotic person who is just dripping in quirks such as myself, there are few things in this world more daunting than writing an introductory bio.
I spend hours, sometimes days, hemming and hawing over what details to include, what to omit, how to prove that I’m a somewhat accomplished human being without coming off as too braggy and, most importantly, how to make it seem like I am a 100% normal, easy breezy, chillaxin’ lady.
In other words, how to lie to a bunch of strangers. In a few weeks, I will be starting an educational program with ~50 such strangers and last week, the directors of the program asked us to write such a bio. Here are a few, very true “fun facts about me” that somehow failed to make it into the final edit:
1. Whenever I see a small child in a public place and cannot immediately identify its responsible adult, right away I begin debating all the ways that my lifestyle will have to change now that I will obviously have to raise this child.
2. I’m still not entirely convinced that I won’t be abducted by aliens one day, nor am I convinced that I haven’t been already and they just wiped my memory.
3. I secretly want “Come Sail Away” by Styx to be my wedding song. Think about it: start off with a nice slow dance, then we get to rock out a bit, followed by some sort of (obviously) pre-choreographed, slow-mo robot dance and then everyone joins us on the dance floor to RAGE ALL THE WAY THROUGH TIL THE END. And yes, I’m aware that “Come Sail Away” is over six minutes long, but I’m sure we can figure something out with the DJ where he cuts a verse or two somewhere. I mean, duh.
4. No shirt, no pants, no problem.
5. The first and only fan letter I’ve ever written was to David Hyde Pierce following a minor nervous breakdown, during which I bought all 11 seasons of Frasier and watched them endlessly for several months. I thanked him for playing Niles and for helping me through this dark time. He never wrote back and I was only somewhat crushed.
6. I’ve cried at every musical I’ve ever seen, whether I wanted to or not. The only exception to this rule is Legally Blonde: The Musical, but the tears have definitely flown in subsequent listenings to the soundtrack. SHE’S FINDS HER WAY, PEOPLE, OK?!
7. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of person who could rock white girl dreadlocks. It’s not because I think they’re cool, but because I’m super lazy.
8. I am a prime example of the Electra Complex.
9. Growing up, I wanted to be either Madonna or Evita, but not Madonna as Evita because I thought she was godawful. Regardless, I still think the Academy totally snubbed her that year.
10. Every time I almost trip, I have an internal, millisecond long panic attack in which I envision myself actually falling, breaking my neck and ending up paralyzed or with serious, irreversible brain damage.
11. One of my goals regarding aging is to naturally develop a signature gray streak in my hair.
12. I cried more over Cory Monteith’s death than I did my own grandmother’s, and I don’t even consider myself a Gleek.
13. I have a crush on Alan Alda’s voice.
14. My hands are the smallest I have ever seen on a fully grown adult. Please don’t try and tell me that you have a friend whose hands are “totally smaller” than mine. I assure you that I have met everyone’s “friend,” and none have even come close.
15. I used to dream of recording an album comprised entirely of Irene Cara’s greatest hits sung as ballads. I thought this was incredibly innovative.
16. I believe that anyone who doesn’t love “Kiss From a Rose” by Seal, even a little bit, is a terrible person.