When your heart gets broken, time seems to slow down, as if the universe not only wants you to feel pain, but wants you to be miserable for what feels like an eternity. Some moments of the day might be easier than others; keeping busy and distracting yourself can usually help you forget for a just a little while that inside of you there a broken shards stabbing you all around where your heart once was.
Nighttime seems to be the worst for me; I exhaust myself throughout the day to make it easier to sleep at night, but it never seems to work. I still lay awake, tormented by thoughts of you and restless at the thought that you’ll never sleep next to me again. Late at night is when my mind finally has the chance to collapse inside itself and think over and over and over again about you.
I sit here, playing everything back in my head. Was it all my fault? Was there something I could have done to prevent you walking away? I hate to place blame on myself; after all, you were the one that walked away. But in the dark hours, where moonlight seems to be the only part of the universe still alive, I can’t help but torture myself with what if’s.
I think of you moving on. I get physically sick from thinking of you moving on. My mind won’t let me stop thinking of you moving on. How can you be moving on so quickly? Did I mean nothing? Did our story mean nothing? There’s nothing left.
I think of you holding her. Why is she so much better than me? I think of you stroking her hair the way you did mine. I used to love my hair. I can’t touch my hair without thinking of you. I think of you kissing her. My lips feel so foreign without yours. Why were my lips not good enough?
I can never stop thinking of your laugh. I think of someone else making you laugh. Were my jokes not good enough? I think of you sleeping next to her. Of waking up in the middle of the night to pull her close to you. Even in sleep, I wasn’t good enough.
I can’t watch The Office anymore. Do you watch it with her? My favorite shows are ruined; playing them just reminds me too much of you. My Netflix has never been so unused. Why did you have to ruin everything for me?
I can’t smoke a damn cigarette without thinking of you. I blow out a stream of smoke and watch it slowly move away from me. Just like you. Just like you.
I can’t sleep without you. I can’t sleep without you. Why did this bed feel so small when you were here? I can’t seem to find a position to sleep that doesn’t have me reaching out in the middle of the night for you.
Why did you leave? Why won’t you come back? Why wasn’t I good enough?