This is the way I see it. Not only did I lose—and it embarrasses me to say this—the “love of my life,” but I lost my best friend, who I did anything and everything for this past year.
It not only kills me (and I wish it physically did), but it drives me crazy that this all happened. It drives me absolutely insane that for a good six months I got to experience earth-shattering love.
It kills me that none of this will be the same.
It kills me that you made me fall in love not only with you but also with your kids—kids that I’ll never get to know and kids that will never know I existed.
It kills me that I have pages upon pages of letters written to you about everything, and you’ll never get them. At this point they all sound stupid, naive, and crazy, but I would have done anything to be chosen, to give you a beautiful life and for this I’ve been destroyed.
It kills me because I don’t know that I’ll ever find a “you” again.
It kills me that she gets you, that unless I tell her, she will never know about your dishonesty.
It kills me that this was a mistake.
It kills me that these past four months have not been what the first eight were.
It kills me that this will never get the chance to be what it could have been.
It kills me that I’ll never get the chance to be yours and you mine and that I will always question why I didn’t deserve it and why I deserve this.
It kills me that I’ve been thinking how getting hurt, how physical pain would be better than this.
It kills me that dying just sounds so pathetically good.
It just all kills me.
It kills me that this will be a secret.
It kills me that my heart is shattered into a gazillion unfixable pieces because even if you could put it back together the last piece that would hold it together can never be found.
It kills me that I actually believed in this and everything you told me.
It kills me that I actually thought this was fate and that you were my soul mate and that I would know you forever.
It kills me that you fit me so perfectly, but I’ll never get the chance to ever experience that wholly, that it will be gone forever when you move to Texas. It’s one thing if this just didn’t work but it’s just another that you’re moving and leaving forever. That I’ll never see you or speak to you again. It makes me nauseous just writing that.
It kills me that you have this much power and walk away unharmed.
I really wish it would just kill me.