1. I shed. A lot. You will find my hair everywhere: In your car, your bed, the kitchen, probably even somehow embedded into your dog’s fur.
2. Some days, I’m going to absolutely adore my hair. Others, I will talk half-seriously about buzzing it off. Don’t ever let the latter happen, but also don’t scoff too much at it.
3. If it’s raining outside, you’re about to see a difficult side of me you haven’t before. I’m going to need your assistance with an umbrella and my rain jacket and my overall, sour attitude about frizz. I’ll most likely be pissy about “not even bothering” – just be patient with me.
4. About 75% of the time, my hair will be pulled back in some sort of style. I know you love it down, but you try walking around the entire day with a mass of uncontrollable creatures bopping around your face.
5. You will never be able to run your hands freely through my hair. That’s not how curly hair works. It’s a romantic thought, but try it and it’ll be a mess of awkward. Your hand will get stuck, and I will tear up from the embarrassment and pain. Just don’t.
6. I look like a completely different person with wet hair. Know this.
7. Even if you abhor the smell of my hair product, you must not carry on about it. It took me a very long time to find the perfect product that works for my curls, and if it comes down to it, it’ll be the product over you. So watch yourself.
8. Some days, I will have worked so hard at my hairstyle that I’ll freak out if you come within a few inches of touching then subsequently ruining it.
9. Other days, I couldn’t care less about the state of my hair and will welcome “rat’s nest” jokes and copious amounts of touching/messing it up.
10. I might shower every day (emphasis on “might”), but I do not wash my hair every day. If this disgusts you, you’re an uncaring, ignorant fool who needs to GTFO.
11. If we do sexy time with each other, expect me to need an hour in the shower afterwards to condition and comb through the literal knot we’ve created in the back of my hair. Post-coitus shower time togetherness is not a reality unless we were gentle and calm in the bedroom, but how much fun is that?
12. You will never notice my “bad hair” day since it all looks the same to you, but I will know how out-of-place these few curls are and be in a bad mood about it for at least a few hours.
13. If you ask me to straighten my hair just once so you can see how it looks, I will question what you stand for, if you really know me, and if dating you has been a terrible mistake.
14. And if, for some reason, I do straighten my hair and you obviously like it more than my curls, I will dump you on the spot.
15. Coming back full-circle to #1, I don’t know how or why, but you will find my hairs in your butt crack. Let me take this opportunity to say I’m so sorry in advance.