1. Park Misbehavior
Your pooch is usually so well-behaved, you swear! But for whatever reason, she woke up with a wild hair up her ass and has decided to run amok at y’all’s usual go-to park. She’s running off in every direction, barking incessantly, and apparently has totally forgotten her name since she’s not even pretending to respond to your abrasive screams, resulting in you looking like a complete psycho asshole dog owner. Everyone at the park is judging you – don’t be fooled.
2. Inopportune Poops
There’s nothing worse than your dog deciding she needs to go and NOW. In the middle of the sidewalk while walking down a busy street, right under your feet while you’re chatting up a new friend or surprisingly attractive love prospect at the park, when you trust her off-leash and she bolts across the street to the neighbor’s award-winning lawn like she’s been plotting it all day. And the worst? When it’s messy and un-pickupable. It’s bad enough that we’re slaves to bending over and gathering our dogs’ “movements” – they add insult to injury when they make a scene of it.
3. Encroaching On Your “Alone Time”
Masturbating when you have a dog is pretty much the worst. Try locking them out of the room, they’ll cry. Try your damnedest to ignore them, and end up making direct eye contact with them multiple times. Hide under the covers, and spend the duration of the time fighting them off or telling them to “Go away!” Not to mention, when you do get there, they feed off your excitement level, which is awkward AF.
Similar to the above, there’s just no good way to escape this situation. You, your chosen lover, and a dog – it’s sort of a package deal whether you want it to be or not (if you want it to be, though… that’s questionable). Dogs will prop themselves up on a pillow and watch closely, as if they’re taking mental notes. They’ll position themselves in the corner of the room, backed against a wall as if you’re forcing them to watch against their will. They might stand by the window, pretending to mind their own business, but be side-eyeing you the entire time. Or, if you’re one of the fortunate few, they’ll hide under the bed for the duration of your “fun time,” and reappear once movements and noises have ceased.
5. Important Phone Calls
Oh. You have a seriously important call coming in that you need total silence for? No worries – I’ll plan my completely random barking session right around the same time. In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and text my squirrel friend and let him know to show up as soon as you’re in the middle of your conversation, so I can rip his fucking head off through the window. And don’t even think about locking yourself into the bathroom or closet – I’ll just bark louder or switch to high-pitched crying.
6. Random Acts Of Hatred
For reasons unbeknownst to you and something they could only explain in dog language, your furry friend decides she absolutely hates someone to whom she was just introduced. Could be a child, a senior citizen, even one of your newer friends – whoever it is, she does not like them. She goes into total defense mode: hair on end, ears back, low growl, and you are totally and completely helpless. If this person didn’t know better, they’d assume you’ve had a gab session with your dog about how much you hate them. If your dog had opposing thumbs and a concealed weapon license, she would most likely pull a gun out on this poor soul for absolutely zero reason. On the flip side, they say dogs can read people better than people read people, so you might want to pay special attention next time your dog reacts to someone poorly.
Ruff life, huh?