Hair: a girl’s worst enemy on a bad day and BFFAEAE on the best day. Some girls are lucky – their locks never surprise them. Every single day, no matter the weather or the way they slept on it or if they were a little heavy-handed with the styling cream, their hair looks the same. These girls are what we call “bitches.”
But for the vast majority of females, the manes that sit atop our skulls keep us guessing as to what mood they’ll be in from day to day. At first, it’s cute. But, as you’d expect with the whole “cute” act, it gets real old, real fast. And, because of their incredibly unpredictable nature, girls have had to adapt over the years, creating an arsenal of hairdos to tame the beast.
So, pray tell, what does your hairstyle of choice scream to the world?
1. The Perfect Top Knot
You usually always wear your hair down; however, in a dire situation, the perfected top knot is the one and only updo you’ll entertain. If you have to stoop to peasantry levels of hair styles, this is the only acceptable one, IYHO. It’s not so much that your hair isn’t cooperating today, it’s moreso that you’re in a bit of rush after your overly ambitious morning workout or you slept through your first three alarms. The most your hair can do for you today is be tied up tightly against its will, not daring to move a damn inch unless you grant it permission. You care about your appearance today, but not enough to spend unnecessary time with a curling iron and a straightener. Besides, people know what you look like with your hair down – they can cut you some slack for today’s top knot. It’s a good one, too – every single piece is so tightly wound into that perfect donut bun, you half expect diamonds to come streaming out when you let your hair down later that night.
2. The Hair Down, Always
It doesn’t matter if it’s raining, if you’re at the gym, or if it’s 105 degrees outside, your hair isn’t going anywhere but down. It’s like, how is anyone supposed to know you’re a female unless your hair is down in full-force, every single day? You rarely give blow jobs and you’ve slapped a man once for even daring to mutter the words “butt” and “sex” together. Of course, the irony here is that you definitely have things up your ass – you just don’t know it. You’re a lady who chooses skirts over pants and gel nails overly home-manicured nails. You don’t make noise when you scream, and definitely not when you orgasm. Also, you had no idea there was any other option in life besides silk pillowcases and, when you found out, you gasped obnoxiously loud. But, who could you blame you? You have amazing hair and we all know it. That hair with that resting bitch face – girl, PLEASE!
3. The Messy Ponytail or Bun
People say, “I couldn’t care less,” but you actually mean it. So your hair looks like shit today, big deal. You’re not going to stand in your bathroom and take your life over it. After all, who are you trying to impress? Your four cube walls? That one semi-attractive guy at the office who you know you wouldn’t even give a second glance in real life? This is you, so take it or leave it. You have no idea what’s going on up there, and you don’t care. In fact, the messier, the better! Maybe people will think you’re homeless or insane and just leave you alone altogether. But, seriously – you’re kind of a hard ass and don’t need anyone’s approval. Sometimes, you take it a step further by adding some sort of trendy hair turban or headband atop your mess, and get intense satisfaction from that situation you’ve created. The best part about this go-to style is that, when you do pull yourself together and spend time on your locks, it’s like a 90s rom-com with the average-looking girl who cleans up and becomes the hottest chick in town. Or something like that.
4. The Braid
One, singular braid or some Pinterest-inspired, labyrinth that stumps even the handiest of hairstylists – regardless of what sort of braid you choose to don, if you’re choosing braids at all, you’re cute as hell. Not many girls can pull off the braid. You have to have the right hair-length, the right thickness, and the perfectly nimble fingers to master such a look. Not to mention the natural ability to stare at an inspirational and seemingly impossible hairdo and be able to replicate it in minutes. So, in short, a girl whose go-to hairstyle is that of the braid variety is someone you should want to make your friend. Trust me: she’s cool, she’s interesting, and she’s probably really naturally pretty and drinks good beer.
5. The Pixie Cut
Coolest, most laid-back, low maintenance, skinniest girl you’ll ever meet. Also a bitch for being able to pull off such an adorable look, but not bitchy like girls whose hair is always down. Rather, the good kind of bitch.