1. People think you’re being dramatic or embellishing your sweat story… until they witness it with their own two eyes. Seeing is believing.
2. It starts young, usually around puberty. And it almost always begins by way of your armpits, causing some of your very first brushes with social anxiety and what to wear.
3. You’d think cooler weather means a break in your sweat, but you’d be wrong. Layers on layers on layers = sweat on sweat on sweat.
4. Sure, it’s “hot” when you glisten and glow during sexy time. But is it “hot” when it’s not glowy glisten and moreso, like, just straight rivers of sweat beads?
5. Lunchtime workouts are a myth to you. It’s folklore from a tribe of people you aren’t sure actually exist. What do you mean you workout during your lunch break? And you’re back here now, acting totally normal and not sweaty? The fact that some humans can pull this off and that it would take you until 9am the next morning to cool down is some serious bullshit.
6. Speaking of workouts, colored workout pants/shorts/capris have always and will always be off-limits. Why do these exist?
7. Two words: Crotch. Sweat.
8. Your sleeping conditions must be that of a makeshift igloo or you’ll never be well-rested. You’d prefer if you awoke each morning with icicles forming on your extremities, but you need some money leftover from your electric bill to buy special deodorant each month.
9. Ah, special deodorant. Clinical strength and clinical strength only. For a brief moment, a long time ago, in a moment of seldom bravery, you tried regular ole deo. About an hour in, you realized your mistake, trashed it, and never looked back.
10. Even if you go to the gym for a light, strength training sesh, the entire back of your shirt is soaked at the end of the half hour. You look similar to this after lifting 7.5-pound dumbbells:
11. Sure, you can wear all white everything. But that doesn’t mean your sweat won’t find a way. It always finds a way.
12. You’ve had to perfect how to not sound like a total asshole when suggesting your friends don’t hug you. “No, seriously. Don’t. I am so gross. Trust me.”
13. All car air vents, on you, at all times.
14. Sure, I’ll sit on a patio with you to enjoy being outside. But only if you promise not to judge my upper-lip, forehead, and occasionally visible neck sweat.
15. When friends actually complain, saying they wished they sweated more… you’re surprised you haven’t been convicted of manslaughter yet.
16. Already sweating + getting into a hot shower = imminent death. At this rate, you’ll be ready for a night out in about 12 hours when you’ve finally stopped sweating and can put makeup on without it instantly dripping off. Oh, and forget lotion. Your sweat becomes a natural body lubricant during the summer.
17. Cuddling is fun for five minutes, then I’m gonna need you to roll to the very opposite side of the bed from me. Thx.
18. You may or may not keep an emergency kit of baby wipes or deodorant on hand, at all times. Better safe than smelly, right?
19. “Your hands are so clammy! Are you nervous?” NO. I’M JUST REALLY SWEATY AND SOMETIMES IT HAS TO FIND OTHER WAYS TO COME OUT AND RUIN MY LIFE.