1. You’re having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day for reasons that don’t matter here, and the only thing that brings you peace of mind is knowing your Piperlime package should be waiting on your front porch when you get home. Go. Go to that happy place with Piperlime on the porch. Ah, yes. Much better.
2. Receiving a much-anticipated pair of shoes, only to discover they’re the wrong size or fit sends you into a deep, inescapable spiral toward depression.
3. Amazon Prime is your crack cocaine. Sad? Down in the dumps? Feel better in just TWO SHORT business days! Doesn’t matter if you ordered kitchen soap or a dog toy or a new coffee machine – it’ll be here the day after next. So hold on, for one more day…
4. No matter what’s got you down, the mall seriously always makes it better. Why?
5. Your friends and family know that you function best in a retail environment. Any serious news they’ve had to break or big favor they’ve had to ask of you, you’ve suspiciously always been in the GAP or J.Crew or even in the food court.
6. After your latest breakup (or general failed dating attempt), you purchased an obscene amount of shoes in a very short window of time. I’m talking five pairs in two days or two pairs in one day. Each new sole, every fresh, unscathed strip of leather, felt like a tiny orgasm of renewed hope.
7. Your panic attacks often lead you directly to the aisles of Target, where you load up on at least three items you definitely don’t need, but have to have. Also, toilet bowl wands and paper towels for good measure.
8. You’ve had an actual mountain of deliveries on your front porch at one time. Outwardly, you laughed. But inside, you were crying.
9. When retail sites send you those silly emails, letting you know you’ve “left something in your cart,” you feel remembered, taken care of, and cherished. They didn’t have to remind you that you almost forgot about your brush with online retail therapy, but they did. And so, for that, you’re logging back in to buy their gifts. Because that’s what they are – gifts.
10. You’ve teared up inside Lululemon at least once, settling on the only thing you can acceptably afford there – a headband. :-/
11. On more than one occasion, your friends have read the writing on the wall before disaster has struck in your personal life, preemptively making efforts to hide all forms of currency to keep you from buying the pain away. It’s never worked, and they usually end up there with you while you talk them into buying something so you don’t feel so alone.
12. Even a simple purchase, like a new Starbucks coffee mug, can make your morning feel worthwhile and you lighter on your (adorably dressed) feet.
13. Contrary to what some may think, returns are also very much a part of an Emotional Shopper’s M.O. We get just as enthralled to make a trip back to the scene of the crime or, better yet, a UPS location to drop-off what didn’t work. So, it didn’t work out. NBD. It will next time. IT HAS TO.
14. Yes, food is often involved when you’re having an emotional episode, but not in the typical “emotional eater” way. Rather, you go to the grocery (preferably a splurge-worthy one like Whole Foods) and just. buy. so. much. STUFF. Somehow, this wide array of exotic fruits and veggies you’ll probably never get around to using makes you feel so much better.
15. No, but really. This is your actual mantra: