14 Uniquely Texan Things That You Won’t Be Prepared For When You Move To Texas

In 1998, I was just an innocent 10-year-old girl with braces, living in the mediocre state of Connecticut until, one fateful night at a family dinner, my parents announced we were moving to Dallas, Texas. Dallas? Texas? The Big D? D-Town? TEXAS? It’s been 17 years, and I’m just now getting around to referring to myself as a “Texan” because, quite honestly, I think it takes that long to earn the title. To any potential future Texans, here are some general things you can expect upon entering The Lone Star State but, more specifically, Dallas.

1. During the summer months, you will experience a level of heat you didn’t think was possible, no matter what part of the state you choose to reside. Oh, you didn’t think that specific part of your body produced sweat? Well, it does and it will.

2. The whole “the bigger the hair, the closer to God” thing is not a joke. Ladies around these here parts have some of the biggest hair you’ll ever set eyes on. Remember hot rollers? Well, they never died here.

Shutterstock
Shutterstock

3. Someone having Spanish as a second-language isn’t all that impressive. In fact, it’s more or less standard. After a few years, you’ll find yourself rattling off Spanish phrases, too.

4. Tex-Mex isn’t just a food option; it’s a way of life. Throw everything out the window you’ve ever known to be good “Tex-Mex,” and get ready to experience some of the whitest, creamiest, flouriest, most un-Mexican food you’ll ever have the pleasure of gorging on. In fact…

5. People will look at you like you’re Miley Cyrus at a Terry Richardson photo shoot if you claim to dislike breakfast tacos or burritos.

6. Speaking of tacos, that’s a food trend here that seems to have nine lives. If you’re ever craving speciality tacos and tons of options, walk out into the middle of your neighborhood, close your eyes, and throw a rock – you’ll hit a taco stand. I guarantee it.

7. Dallas women take care of themselves in a way that can be quite daunting for the more casual. Running to the drug store? Full makeup. Picking up some groceries? Full makeup. Going to the gym? Full makeup and hair. Sometimes, while wearing biker shorts and a ball cap out in public, I am gawked at like a homeless person or someone with a seriously terminal illness.

8. Are you the road trip-loving type? Well, then this is the place for you. Austin, College Station, and San Antonio (to name a few) are all hours away from one another. Hours. It’s like states within a state, essentially.

9. The State Fair of Texas is not a joke. It is something that locals take very, very seriously. Personally, I abhor it (which is probably why I’ve never felt fully accepted as a Texan). It’s a money-sucking, grease-pouring, fat-gaining machine that lures people of all shapes and sizes into its metal gates every year, never to see their hard-earned dollars again. But, if you don’t go at least twice in your lifetime while living in Dallas, you may actually have something wrong with you.

10. I’m sure people have horses here, but like, far away. In the country. On their “land.” Don’t expect to see any clip-clopping around the town. This isn’t the Old West. But do expect to see an immeasurable amount of big and small ass trucks, flashy sports cars, and more Mercedes Benzs than in Hitler’s entourage.

11. Platinum blonde bitches wearing copious amounts of David Yurman and Kendra Scott. Everywhere.

12. Also, “hipster” types with tattoos on every inch of exposed skin possible who have claimed their turf near the alternative side of town to prove a point to the yuppies in the north (when you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way…).

13. Try as long as you want to refer to groups of people as “You guys,” but just know the switch to “Y’all” is inevitable. I fought it for years and finally caved, y’all.

14. And lastly – Young marriage is not only normal here, but heavily encouraged. Lest we forget we are in the South, y’all. Mrs. Degrees are by no means a thing of the past, and if you’re still single by 25, well – good luck convincing people you haven’t actively chosen the spinster life. Who’s gonna want to marry a dried-up, saggy 26-year-old? I’ll tell you who: NO ONE.

Y’all come back now, ya hear?!  TC mark

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