1. The absolute bottom-of-the-barrel type of domestic beer: First off, I’m not even sure bars actually carry this poor quality of brewskie, but if some do, and some dudes order it, that is just unacceptably nasty. Have you no tastebuds, sir? Have you no taste (in the figurative sense)? And, let me be clear; I’m not talking about any of the BIG brand beers. I’m talking about Keystone, Busch Light, or freaking Milwaukee’s Best. These beers are best served lukewarm and when you’re still underage. If a guy orders this, he probably thinks fast food is an acceptable date meal, thinks the smaller the clothes the better, and has a thing for orange skin and heavy eye makeup. Steer clear and let him drink his water with a splash of beer in peace.
2. Wine: This can be tricky. On one hand, it’s incredibly sexually appealing when a guy knows a few things about wine, can open a bottle with swift ease, and suggests a wine/movie night. Betches love wine, and most of us swoon over a dude who will partake in our lush tendencies every once and a while. However, if he’s at a bar ordering a glass of wine, that’s eyebrow-raising. To girls, that’s a high sign of a pretentious or totally ignorant fella. If you’re at a restaurant with said dude and he orders a glass, okay. That’s obviously acceptable and pretty attractive. It makes him look classy and put together, like he is a cut above the rest because of his savvy selections. But, if every time we are around this guy he is ordering/drinking wine, we might start to suspect he has an issue with alcohol in general. In other words, he might end up looking like a pansy who only drinks “vino.”
3. Whiskey or scotch, straight-up/on the rocks: Did you want me to take my pants off now or later? This is the absolute sexiest drink a male can order for himself. It screams “I HAVE A PENIS, HEAR ME ROAR!” Girls are suckers for dark liquor drinkers. It’s so manly, so hairy, so… not girly. It’s something most of us don’t do or only do every once and a while, so to see a guy do it and do it well is more or less irresistible.
4. Straight forward, domestic beer: All right. We hear you loud and clear. You’re a dude. Bottom line, end of story. You love sports, meat, and female body parts. You’re a simple kind of man, in the best way. You may not enjoy trying strange, new food or venturing too far from home, but you’re an overall salt of the Earth type of dude, and we appreciate you for that. You may be a little boring, a little “vanilla,” as they say. But there’s nothing exceptionally douchey about you. There is absolutely zero judgment on this selection because we expect it and accept it. What’s that? You want to makeout with us? We would be honored, sir.
5. Old Fashioned or Manhattan: You know your shit and don’t fuck around. You’re fancy without being feminine about it. A guy who orders this at a bar or even at a dinner is s-e-x-y. Not only do you like liquor, but you also like good drinks made with good liquor and that’s more than all right by us. In our twisted girl minds, we actually find it “cute” when you compliment our supremely girly dinner cocktail (wine or a vodka/champagne-based something) with a supremely manly cocktail. Aw, it’s like Barbie and Ken! Or Kourtney and Scott!
6. Vodka, straight up: Alcoholic. Also, has more than likely roofied a girl at some point.
7. Vodka-based drinks: A little eyebrow-raising, since the majority of men seem to not like vodka as much as girls do. To keep your man cards, the only really acceptable vodka-based beverage is a vodka/soda. This is reasonable. However, start getting fancy with it, and all bets are off as to what we’ll think of you. If you start throwing fruit juice in it (unless we’re making it for you and forcing you to try some), it’s a little off-putting. Throw all caution to the wind and order a martini, I can’t help you anymore. I’m sure I’d love dirty martinis if I liked olives, but seeing a dude drink out of a martini glass is unnerving. It screams face grease and gapped front-teeth and heterosexual butt sex. Unless you’re James Bond, it’s not the best look.
8. Gin-based drinks: Basically same as above. Gin + soda = great. Gin + almost anything else = confusion and all-around discomfort.
9. Tequila: Oh lord. You’re probably fun as hell and a hilarious drunk, but you’ve also probably been in jail three times and drive drunk often. We want nothing to do with you in a romantic sense, ever. I’d rather see you down liquor that’ll put hair on your chest, than watch you throw back Tequila and smell it just sweating out of every pore on your body. Unless you’re on vacation somewhere tropical (Mexico counts) or under the age of 23, actually preferring tequila over any other type of liquor paints a picture of infidelity, arrests, vomit, and total indiscretion (not necessarily in that order).
10. Craft beer/microbrews/stouts: I love you. I love you so much. Marry me after this beer? KTHX.