Since women learned how to squat down and release the day’s (or, really, hour’s) liquid intake, we have taken this innocently natural action and warped it into something shrouded heavily in mystery. Notsomuch when we’re using the restroom alone, say, in the comfort of our own homes. Nothing too questionable is going on during those occurrences (LOLOL JK – but I’ll never bathroom and tell when it involves my own home. I’m not trying to be more single than I am). It’s when women are socializing in public and excuse themselves as a pair or, worse, a group that people start to question, wonder, and speculate.
So, what are we doing in there? Why do girls need a partner-in-crime when it comes to peeing outside their home?
Are we scared? Do we need help wiping? Are we carrying on a highly secretive lesbian relationship with our bathroom partner of choice that’s been going on for months now right under everyone’s noses?
I’ll tell you what’s going on when girls skip off to the bathroom together. It’s one of two things. We’re either:
A) Talking about how “bad” we look
B) Talking about you
Sure, the realistic options are endless, but if we’re narrowing it down and being honest, these are the two main culprits.
It’s science that as soon as a female start drinking, her makeup somehow retreats off her face. The perfect cat-eye she was able to somehow successfully master that night slowly droops, resulting in a very sickly cat-eye or, worse, a boring line of eyeliner. Her blush fades. If she’s in Texas during the summer, sweat gathers under her eyes, on her hairline, even on her upper lip. With each sip of vodka soda with lemons, she looks more and more like she just got out of the shower and came to the bar. So, bathroom visits to examine and insult herself are necessary. And how dare you think she’s about to go self-deprecate alone? No, you’re coming with her.
“OH MY GOD,” a girl will exclaim upon catching her first glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror. “REALLY?” She’ll exasperatedly set her purse down on the counter (after examining for the one non-wet spot, a feat), frantically digging around for her powder. “I can’t even with this heat. Like, how do people even get together in summer? If someone wants to date you during summer, you know it’s the real deal because they clearly accept you at your absolute WORST. UGH.” She’ll blot her face, re-powder, then take her lipstick off in order to put on a fresh coat. “Do you like this shade on me, tho? I feel like such a clown in lipstick.” She’ll fluff her hair up 43 times, maybe even throwing her head upside down to create a false sense of newfound volume. If she’s rocking an updo, she’ll take it down and redo it an average 2.5 times. The first time, there will be a bump out of place. The second time, it’ll just look all sorts of wrong. The third time, she’ll loosen a few bits, sigh loudly, and finally settle. Then comes the full-length mirror, if the bar or restaurant is #blessed enough to provide one. She’ll cock her head from side to side, standing feet apart to silently imagine what it’s like to rock a thigh gap. She’ll laugh internally at exactly how far apart she has to stand to even feign this. She loves her outfit, so at least she has that going for her tonight. “Shirt tucked or untucked?” she’ll ask her friend who’s growing more impatient and sober by the second. She started the night tucked, but is thinking it was the wrong choice. She untucks. Retucks. Untucks halfway. Her friend makes an audible “Ooo!” noise of approval, which she ignores and retucks the entire shirt, calling it good. A hard pinch on the cheeks to bring some color to her face, and she’s finally ready to re-enter the scene.
“Okay!” she halfway shouts with conviction. Only us girls know what that “okay” really means. It means “Okay, we’re done here. This is as good as it’s gonna get tonight. I hope my lipstick stays. Oh, and please tell me if I start getting that damn upperlip sweat again. If we’re really best friends, you’ll tell me. Let’s get back to our vodka soda lemons.”
As for the other instance – ya know, the one where we’re using our visit to the bathroom as a surefire cover to talk about you – well.
We’re girls. What do you expect? If we’re on a double date or if we just met you at the bar, and you’ve been chatting us up for the majority of the evening, do you really suppose we can go AN ENTIRE FEW HOURS without consulting in the restroom with our P in C (that’s Partner in Crime)?
“OH MY GOD,” a girl will exclaim upon catching her first glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror. But, this time, it’s not about her appearance (okay, maybe it is a little bit). “What is even happening out there?!” she’ll excitedly question to her friend. “He’s so cute?” It’s not a question, but it might sound like one for reassurance from her friend. “What if he doesn’t get my number? He better get my number. Maybe I’ll just give him my number? How can I wittily give him my number?” So much conspiring, guys. SO much of it. If it wasn’t a random meeting, the conversation might be a bit different. “I think we’re all really hitting it off, right?” Her friend will agree. “He didn’t immediately put his napkin in his lap, though. Is that bad? I mean, I’m no WASP, but I don’t know. Should I take that as a sign of ignorance?” No, her friend will say. He’s clearly classy – he just was distracted with conversation. “He ordered my drink! Did you see that? OMG so cute.” Sidenote: this entire back and forth will most definitely be happening from separate stalls. They’re not here to touch up for once. They’re here to pee and discuss men. “Do you think I should make out with him? Just make out, though.” Her friend responds with hesitancy – she knows her tendencies. “I SWEAR – just make out.” The last time she said this, she had texted late at night, “So, I’m naked and he’s asleep.” Her friend will remind her that she’s young and single and to just see how it goes. “Yeah, for sure. I’ll just feel it out before I let him feel me up. HA!” They’ll both laugh. They’re so cute and witty.
Both flush, both wash, both cock their heads from side-to-side in the #blessed full-length mirror. Both tell the other she looks great or her top is SO cute. And, in one grand flourish, they swing the bathroom door open and walk back out inconspicuously as though there’s never been a more casual, non-gossipy, low maintenance pee in the history of girls-going-to-the-bathroom-together pees.
We’ve been exposed. No more wondering. Go forth with your group pees, girls.