Girls have always and will always have a love/hate relationship with retail. We hate it because we don’t have the money for it, but we love spending the money we don’t have. We hate how everything looks on us, but we love those days when everything looks perfect and we feel like a million bucks. We hate long shopping trips, but catch us on a good day, and we love the challenge of digging through piles of bargains to find small treasures.
Basically, when it comes to shopping, we’re our best version of bi-polar.
With the internets making it sickeningly easy to browse in the comfort of my own home, while sitting either naked or decked out in my finest selection of sloth clothing, as I shove heaping handfuls of popcorn into my mouth and chug wine, real life shopping has become somewhat of a distant memory for me. Being able to click a few buttons and know a cardboard package is heading my way satisfies my shopping tick 90% of the time.
But that other 10% of the time, I have to sack up and make an appearance inside an actual, physical retail store. GASP! The horror of getting dressed to be in public, drive my car more than a half mile, and have people bother me while I shop. But sometimes, it has to be done. And when it is, this is how it usually goes:
2. Ugh, I don’t wanna do this.
3. But, I have to. I don’t want to pay for shipping, and I haven’t actually walked around a store in forever.
4. Can I wear workout stuff?
5. I better be able to wear workout stuff.
6. “No shirts, no shoes, no service” but no one ever made public rules about not looking cute enough to shop in their store.
7. FINE I’LL WEAR A DAMN SUNDRESS. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
8. Who am I even talking to?
9. I need a boyfriend.
10. Let’s check my bank account before I head out on this venture, even though I know damn well that even if my funds are dangerously low, I’ll find some rationalization to spend it anyway.
11. What am I saying “if”? Of course, they’re low.
12. Yep, they’re low.
13. Okay, let’s do this!
14. And we. are. here. Whew. Breathe in, breathe out. So many cute things at first glance, OMG. I WANT EVERYTHING.
15. Yeah, hi, salesperson. Please leave me alone. I know it may look like I’m being a bitch, but it’s only because I’m acting like a bitch so you stop trying to sell me everything I don’t like.
16. I wonder if these salesgirls are judging my go-to, $15, XXI sundress.
17. Whatever, it’s cute.
18. I’m suddenly uncomfortably aware of my sundress. I should’ve worn workout everything.
19. Oh, this sundress is cute though.
20. I’m probably a medium.
21. I could be a small, though.
22. I’ve worked out, like, 4 days in a row. So I could totally be a small.
23. I’ll grab both.
24. Probably neither one will work.
25. ALERT! ALERT! SALESGIRL APPROACHING. NO, YOU CANNOT HELP ME, MADAM.
26. What? Oh, yeah. You can start me a fitting room. Ha. Ahem. Thanks.
28. I wonder if anyone’s ever walked around this place, eating a Chipotle burrito. If they have, they’re my idol.
29. I don’t even know why I’m here. I don’t have the funds, I haven’t been working out long enough for it to make any difference, and I’m getting hangrier by the minute.
30. Okay, focus up. Turbo time.
31. These shorts are cute.
32. So is this top.
33. And this incredibly overpriced but orgasmically perfect maxi dress.
34. This skirt.
35. This folded up shirt looks promisin- NOPE. It’s a crop top.
36. These sandals, though.
37. This summer scarf. Are these in anymore? They will be if I buy it.
38. I’m trying on the entire store. What if it all fits and I want to buy it all?
39. I’ll just have to be smart and make smart purchases. Smart purchases that transcend the trendy time and space continuum.
40. OMG – TRENDY, COLORFUL SHORTS THAT PROBABLY WON’T BE “IN” NEXT YEAR. MINE.
41. Okay, I’m ready. I am ready to face my naked body in a foreign mirror and make irrationally harsh judgments against myself, about myself.
42. But first, let me pick and pop every single blackhead and related skin oddity that have suddenly become larger than life in this full-length, exciting new mirror.
43. I’m a monster.
44. All of this looks terrible.
45. Oh, wow! Another pair of high-rise, cheeky shorts. I love the topmost, meatiest part of my very upper thigh shining bright for all the world to see.
49. This scarf is TOO DIE FOR, though!!!! So happy, so bright, so colorful! The perfect accent to every outfit, and looks good on any shape and size. I’m in love, I’m in love, and I don’t care who knows it!
50. Huh. Pretty successful shopping trip. I shall reward myself with a Chipotle burrito now.