53 “Typical Noo Yawk” Things All Visitors To NYC Must Do

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1. Try lox spread!

2. Visit Astoria Park at sunset.

3. Run terrified from Astoria Park at sundown.

4. Smell the horse manure at Central Park.

5. Get a manicure by an Asian woman.

6. Go to a Mets game!

7. Frantically struggle to make decisions at a Flatiron salad bar.

8. Parallel park.

9. Get parking ticket because all street signs require fucking Rosetta Stone-level interpreting.

10. Make out with a sweaty brown man after 2AM.

11. Walk through the hot steam of trash day.

12. Wait ~35 minutes for a weekend train to an outer borough after a night of drinking and contemplate pissing your pants.

13. Wander into the wrong end of Bushwick.

14. Shakespeare in the Park!

15. Feel utterly, desperately alone in a crowded room.

16. Get pastrami at Katz’s Delicatessen.

17. Give money to a homeless junkie.

18. Get chased by a homeless junkie.

19. Seriously consider a homeless junkie.

20. Lose Metrocard with any amount >$7 on it.

21. Mis-swipe Metrocard at least 4X during rush hour morning commute.

22. Drunkenly consider HJing a cab driver.

23. Ride the Cyclone at Coney Island!

24. Bleed on a stranger.

25. Get shoved.

26. Wonder if you’re capable of murder.

27. Discover you aren’t.

28. Openly cry on a subway train.

29. File a police report (any reason you choose).

30. Skip out on a bar tab.

31. Sing karaoke in a dark underground basement.

32. Let a middle-aged man buy you a Coors Lite.

33. Happen upon a used condom that doesn’t belong to you.

34. Have a “bed bug scare.”

35. Utilize a SoulCycle free trial.

36. Touch a subway pole and remember you forgot to wash your hands midway through lunch.

37. Listen to a coworker’s story about the “hellish” wait for the elevator.

38. Sit on a public toilet seat with visible pubes.

39. See a storytelling show at The Moth or Joe’s Pub.

40. Discover that most anyone can live with water bugs.

41. Splurge on a Dry Bar.

42. Smoke cigarettes, even though you promised your mom you never would.

43. Develop irreversible rage toward your penny-pinching landlord.

44. Try Momofuku. DUH!

45. Flirt with a street meat vendor for extra sauce.

46. Suffer violent and excessive diarrhea in public (unrelated to street meat).

47. Union Square Farmers Market!

48. See a show at the Comedy Cellar.

49. Witness an improv show that costs actual money.

50. Step in warm dog shit because your ass-hat of a friend neglected to warn you.

51. Max out your data getting directions to the correct hole-in-the-wall brunch spot.

52. Panic.

53. Leave a swamp-ass stain on a subway seat.