1. Right, let’s do this thing.
2. *looks in mirror* Oh, dear GOD. No. Maybe not. This mess is going to take hours to fix.
3. Ugh, I need a break.
4. Do I have time for an episode of Gossip Girl?
5. Actually. I could just not go out at all and watch an entire SEASON of Gossip Girl. Alone. With tea. And ice cream. In the comfort of my own home—
6. NO. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, GIRL. YOU ARE LEAVING THE HOUSE TONIGHT WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
7. What to wear?! OOH. I LOVE this dress. But WAIT, this is what I’m wearing in my profile picture on Facebook. So I can’t possibly. People are going to think I have no clothes.
8. WHY DO I HAVE NOTHING HOT TO WEAR?! Why can’t I just have Blair Waldorf’s wardrobe? Why can’t I just BE Blair Waldorf?
9. I don’t even fit this dress anymore. I should just throw it away.
10. NO. That’s nonsense. If I’ve fit into it before I will fit into it again. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever fit into it…
11. I just ate an entire pizza. And my gut feels like it has entered a realm of its own. I guess that rules out a tight-fitting dress.
12. Skirt and peplum top it is. Playing it safe never hurt anyone —
13. BUT NO, I read that men hate peplum tops almost as much as they hate high-waisted jeans. And that’s a lot of hate.
14. You know what, I don’t even care.
15. Heels or no heels? Heels. Always heels.
16. Better pack some painkillers and a jumbo pack of Bandaids while I’m at it.
17. OH. OF COURSE! OF COURSE THEY DON’T FIT IN MY SPECIAL LITTLE NIGHT OUT BAG.
18. Fine. I guess I’ll just suffer all night.
19. But I’ll look tall(er) and hot(ish)…so, it’s worth it.
20. Time to sort my face out. YouTube tutorial, hit me up!
21. Smokey eye or red lip? What am I feeling? Better question: what am I less likely to ruin with my complete lack of make-up game?
22. Red lip it is.
23. Oh good, it’s on my teeth. Should have gone with the smokey eye.
24. Where THE FUCK did this zit come from? Why now!?
25. My makeup looks NOTHING like the girl’s in this tutorial.
26. Buuut, on the upside, I look better than I did an hour ago. On that basis, I’d say I’m ready.
27. Who am I kidding? I haven’t even done my nails yet.
28. Best take a quick selfie to encapsulate all the TIRELESS work that’s gone into this.
29. This is as good as it’s going to get.
30. GET ME SOME WINE, PRONTO.