1. The Tourist Family
Immediately recognizable by their sneaker-and-jeans uniform, crying child, angsty teen, and Obama-related souvenirs, the tourist family struggles to get the entire family in one metro car before the doors close. One family member will inevitably not make it, and while mom panics, the angsty teen will move to the other side of the car and turn up the volume on her headphones because Harry Styles is the only one who understands her. “Mom, this never would’ve happened if we went to London!”
2. The Ride of Shame
The obvious answer, this girl is dressed in mostly-appropriate clothes, as she’s taking the metro instead of a cab, but there’s still some telltale sign of her adventure last night — a hemline that’s a little too short, boots that are a little too tall, guilt (or pride!) that’s a little too obvious. Extra points if you’re near a college campus and the girl is leaving in theme-party attire.
3. Over-the-Top Workout Guru
This woman just finished her $35 workout class and is heading back home full of energy — she’d be walking instead if it wasn’t raining outside. Her excessive peppiness severely irritates the Ride of Shame girl.
4. Guy Going To Work On Saturday Who Looks Miserable But Will Humble Brag All Week About How He Went To Work On Saturday
#humblebrag. That is all.
5. Grandma Outing
Upbeat seniors going out for a day on the town — their conversation centers around whose grandchild is better and how many milligrams of Lipitor they’re currently taking. One member of the pack will slow everyone down and force them to turn their day of museum hopping into one museum and lunch at a chain restaurant with an AARP discount.
6. Hungover Bro Pack
This group has 3-5 members, all dressed in gym shorts, some sort of sandal, and lacrosse or fraternity pennies. They can be found re-capping last night’s debauchery at a Dupont bar and over-using words like “dude” and “epic!,” or sitting together in complete silence because they’re too hung over to hold a conversation. They’re on their way to get breakfast…at 1pm.
7. The Teeny Boppers
The yin to the bro pack’s yang, this group consists of 4-6 girls either in their senior year of high school or freshman year of college. Their outfits channel the Jenner sisters, and they’re all wearing oversize sunglasses and drinking iced coffees. They look ready for Coachella; too bad they’re actually just metroing to Foggy Bottom so they can hit up the H&M in Georgetown.
8. The Uber Hipster
Just kidding — he’s biking.