1. The Bachelor
What He’s Wearing: Gym shorts and slip-on sandals.
What He’s Buying: A six-pack of craft beer, red meat or chicken, large container of Greek yogurt, peanut butter and bread, chips and salsa, MAYBE a vegetable.
Where You’ll Find Him: Best–in the spice aisle, where he’s planning how to season a new recipe. Worst–with his friends, drinking out of solo cups while shopping at Harris Teeter on a Saturday afternoon. Yes, this really happened.
2. Girl With No Clue
What She’s Wearing: Headphones and a look of confusion.
What She’s Buying: Raw ingredients with no recipe, a disproportionate snack to meal ratio, three kinds of granola bars, steam-in-the-bag vegetables, Easy Mac.
Where You’ll Find Her: Trying to figure out the self-check-out; putting produce on the top of her basket so she looks deceptively healthy.
3. The Bachelorette
What She’s Wearing: Pencil skirt and heels OR yoga pants and Uggs. Go big or (dress like you’re going to) go home.
What She’s Buying: String cheese, Lean Cuisines, Prosecco.
Where You’ll Find Her: In the dairy aisle, comparing yogurt brands while she’s on the phone with her mom.
4. Young Couple
What They’re Wearing: Guy most likely hasn’t changed from his Bachelor uniform. Girl is wearing jeans; switches to yoga pants or sweatpants after they hit the “three months living together” mark.
What They’re Buying: Seven different items from the deli counter. I get that Alex likes roast beef and Kelly prefers turkey, but you’re living in a studio, not running a sandwich shop. Pick two, and pick up the pace (end rant).
Where You’ll Find Them: At opposite ends of the aisle, talk/shouting at each other. “Babe, did you pick up the pasta sauce? Babe?”
5. The Gwyneth Paltrow
What She’s Wearing: J.Crew cardigan, designer jeans.
What She’s Buying: Cold-pressed juice, two red peppers to feed her family of four, quail eggs.
Where You’ll Find Her: Yelling at her child using his first and middle name (Oliver James!!) because he took four of the free samples. INAPPROPRIATE.
6. The New Parents
What They’re Wearing: Something spit-up-proof, facial expressions of horror and fear.
What They’re Buying: Cheerios, bananas, baby food but ONLY after reading the ingredient list three times because we’re still not sure if the baby is allergic to dairy/gluten/apples/baby food.
Where You’ll Find Them: Trick question — you won’t. They left five minutes ago after the baby projectile-vomited in Aisle 7.