There’s one thing I really really hate in this world. It’s liars. This is why the next time I hear him say, “I love you” I’m going to run away and never look back.
The first time a boy told me he loved me was when I was 16. We were camp loves. That week in a magical place allowed us to open up about our lives to each other and he ended up falling for me. He loved me for a long time. A year and a half if I remember right. We didn’t date. We never even kissed. But there was a connection between us and I certainly can’t deny that.
Being young kids without cars living hundreds of miles away from each other led me to end it all. I blew up on him. I realized that maybe he didn’t love me since he refused to tell anyone that I existed and he had never seen me outside of the camp world. And poof. Just like that he was gone. About five years later I heard from him again. He said he missed me. He said he would date girls that looked like me in hopes of finding one like me but they were never me. I asked how he was and he said his girlfriend was out of town. Yes, his girlfriend. Maybe I dodged a bullet on that one?
The second guy to tell me he loved me was recently. I was traveling in a country that was a 12 hour flight away and got tinder just for the heck of it. I ended up texting a guy during my entire trip and we went on a date the last day of my journey. We hit it off but I didn’t think anything would come of it. We didn’t kiss and I was about to catch a plane the next day. But somehow and for some reason, we tried to make it work. Now, I have to admit that I’m a romantic, so when someone wants to try and make something work, my heart melts. Having someone emotionally there for me is so much better than just someone that’s there physically. But looking back, I can’t say he was either for me.
We talked on the phone almost every day. He would tell me that he felt like I came into his life for a reason. That he wanted me in his life forever. He wanted me to move there to be with him. He wanted my kids. One night while he was out, he told me he loved me. And then the next day made sure I knew he really felt that way. He would say it after almost every text and phone call. He would tell me I was the most wonderful person he had ever met. I know most of his secrets. He knew very few of mine but I brushed it off thinking my time to share my secrets would come. They never did. One night he was telling me that he was a physical guy so I asked if he needed someone there with him. He said he did. So we officially stopped “making it work.”
He said he still loved me and still wanted me in his life but just as a friend for now. He said, maybe it will work out one day. So I backed off. I’ve been hurt before by other guys that never even said that they loved me. I backed off because if he found another girl, I’d be crushed. I knew I didn’t love him, but realizing he no longer loved me was something I didn’t want to deal with. Two weeks later, he said the chemistry was gone and that he was going to go with it. Poof. Just like that. In two months, we met, he fell in love, we ended, he disappeared.
I know people fall in and out of love but I question if these two incidents were even love. When I think of love I think of someone that will support me when I’m stressed and ask me what’s wrong when I don’t text them long messages. Love is not disappearing at the sign of a bump in the road. If love is a car, the tires are new and full of air. That bump should do nothing to love! The car will feel it, but after the bump, the beautiful love car is still there driving on the beautiful love road.
I’m not saying that I don’t want to be loved. If I could have anything in this world, it would be to be loved. But I question whether the guys that have told me they loved me really did, or were just fascinated with the idea that they said it. I’m scared of the next time a guy tells me he loves me because maybe he won’t actually feel it. I don’t want to be lied to again. If there is one thing I really really hate in this world, it’s liars.