To the guy who raped me and to those who also took photos and videos of me. I am not going to use this to talk about how much I hate you for what you did to me because without God in my life right now I could honestly say that I would have wanted you to know that I hated you, how much of a monster you were, that you deserved to go to hell, you didn’t deserve to be forgiven, and I could go on and on. What you did was sick and you took advantage of me in a time when I couldn’t defend myself. I would have loved for you to experience the pain that you put me through and how much you affected my life.
Instead I want you to know that
I chose to forgive you because I am constantly reminded that God forgives me each and every day
and he shows me his grace that I don’t deserve. The other thing is that you are also created in his image just in the same way that he created me in his image and he loves you. So I will continue to pray for you and love you the way that God loves me… But you know what really convicted me as I was thinking on it not too long ago? It is the fact that my sin is no worse than yours and your sin is no worse than mine. God views all sin as the same and sin is sin in his eyes.
While for the longest time I couldn’t hear a door slam because I would jump, I was scared to walk from my car to my apartment in the dark, I couldn’t be in the shower for longer than ten minutes, I had nightmares, you took away my freedom that I deserved to have, and you also stripped me of my feeling of safety wherever I would go. I struggled with all of the little things that affected me in the biggest ways that forever changed my life. As I was called a whore and a slut and was reminded of my assault and the fear that you had instilled in me I tried to find reasons to keep living my life each day. While you caused me so much pain that I never deserved to have happen to me… thank you.
Thank you, but not because what you did was right but because you only made me that much more of a fighter and God has already used this in such amazing ways and there has been a huge redeeming side to this. At a time when I felt worthless, like a whore, dirty, unlovable, and useless was when God was using this time and experience to really show me that I am worthy, I am his princess, I am clean, I am lovable, I am not a whore, and I am his to use however he sees fit. I am no longer a victim or enslaved to the fear of what you had once done to me.
Instead I am a survivor and I am proud of it.
I recently talked to a friend of mine who had seen that awhile back I posted a little about my assault on my Facebook page and she looked at me and asked “Do you remember when you posted about your assault?” Which of course then I said yes. She then proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t the only one. When I heard this my heart broke for her and what she had gone through because I could relate with her.
She was with some friends at a house one night when a guy had come up to her and told her that he left something in his car and was wondering if she would come out with him to get something and she said yes not knowing what would happen next. He then proceeded to push her into his car while he then locked all of the doors and then he raped her. She was only in eleventh grade and couldn’t fight him off because he was bigger and stronger than she was. After it happened she thought she was pregnant and told him this and he just swore at her and chalked her car with the word whore over it.
She never reported it because of the fear of what could come with it. It hurt her to know that she can never give herself away for the first time to the amazing man that she marries one day because it was taken from her in such a terrible and horrifying way. What happened to my friend is absolutely heartbreaking, but she is so incredibly strong for reaching out to me and sharing it with me but also for letting me share a piece of her story with you because even if it helps one person out there. She wants you to know that you are not alone and she hopes that her story can help you.
To anybody who has also gone through similar things please know that
you are not defined by what happened to you
and you didn’t deserve to have it happen to you. If you are still struggling with it or haven’t told anybody I really encourage you to reach out to someone and let them help you because you shouldn’t have to go through this alone by yourself. So to the guys who rape girls and women out there… you think you are preying on someone who is weak and an easy target, but you have on made us stronger and are continuing to do so.