When a narcissist singles you out to play their game, buckle up. It will be a rocky ride, but one you can win and and will come out a stronger person for surviving it, although it will take tough skin and resiliency. Are you up for the challenge?
People toss the word “narcissist” around without giving much thought to the actual personality disorder, which includes exploiting others for their own personal gain, lack of empathy or remorse, negative reactions to criticism, difficulty admitting mistakes or taking responsibility for their behavior, and using fear to control people. Say or do one thing that they don’t agree with and expect either a tantrum that rivals two year olds or a rage-filled reaction so intense that they leave those around them terrified.
If you have been dealt the unfortunate hand of having to interact with a narcissist, whether it’s a significant other, friend, or co-worker, then you know the feelings of pure mental and physical exhaustion it takes to deal with these leeches. And I say this because they will suck you dry to the very last drop if you let them. These are shallow, cold, skillfully manipulative people with chameleon-like qualities, which allow them to mimic some of the most charming, disarming and loving behaviors. You were specifically targeted for being an empathetic, resilient individual who has integrity.
You may try the empathy route at first, feeling sorry for them while listening to their broken record story of how they’re always the victim in life. You won’t have to listen too carefully to recognize that someone else is always to blame. The sooner you can establish no-contact with the narcissist once their true colors are revealed, the better. Even then, it may still be a struggle to rid these vampires because they are in it to “win”
After three years of dating and still dealing with trying to rid my narcissist, despite a legal Order for Protection from his physical domestic abuse, he still tries to assert his “control” over me by reaching out via e-mail and using fear tactics to threaten me. His words are pure projection of his own feelings, yet I am still the one to blame. Once you understand the psychology of how these individuals think, it is easy to read between the lines, even entertaining at times.
You may wonder, what does a narcissist’s mask look like?
It looks something like this: “I am a father, physician, veteran, and have suffered terrible PTSD” Sure, to a stranger that sounds innocent, heroic even. But take off that mask and reveal the true story a narcissist wants to hide. My children and family can’t stand me, I put my girlfriend in the hospital after physically assaulting her, I only became a physician to help cover who I truly am, I have been fired from multiple jobs because no one can get along with me, and none of this is my fault.
My narcissist can’t wrap his mind around the fact that I am not the same person he knew he could manipulate before. I have become nothing short of a warrior, and every single time he reaches out he is essentially saying “I am a sad, pathetic, and needy piece of shit needing to feed off you for my narcissistic supply.” If he had the capability of moving on with his life, he would. But narcissists love control and see everything as a game. Even when you truly have moved on in your life, never underestimate the narcissist’s predictability of trying to sweep in and strangle you from afar.
If it’s all a game to a narcissist, what do THEY win, you may ask?
This is what you win, for all those narcs out there.
When young, you can do anything-you’re charming after all. And then age happens-you’re not even close to cute, and all the people who’ve known you over the years have finally seen who you truly are and left your life. You try to surround yourself with new friends and lovers, but as people get older, they get smarter and have seen your type before. People are sick of you whining about your ex, job, parents, and how everyone else in your life has done you wrong.
As people age, they’re no longer naive, and your words don’t match your actions. Patience and tolerance is lost for liars. It may last a bit longer if you have money, but most of you have been through several divorces or legal issues, possibly even bad spending habits on elaborate travel in attempt to hide from your reality of hell which you made.
Your finances may be in the whole, but some woman is so desperate for your fake affection that she’s putting up with you-she doesn’t love you. There’s nobody that actually loves you anymore. No one cares what you have to say because they know it’s a lie. No one feels sorry for you. Your kids won’t want to spend time with you and your family has ostracized you. It’s been years since anyone has asked you to do anything with them out of a feeling of wanting you there. If your family still asks you to gatherings, it’s only out of obligation; no one truly wants you to come. And as you get older and sicker, people stop calling to see how you are doing because we’re happy to see you gone. You were the villain of your own life by choice.
And for all those survivors of narcissist abuse. What do you win after all your courage to stand up and fight? The strength to keep going when they won’t let you go? The stamina it will take to accept that some things are out of your control, despite your best efforts? Believing in exposing the narcissist for his true colors and not buying into their fear tactics?
You get freedom.
Freedom in the ability to experience letting go and releasing the bonds to the narcissist so you can refocus your efforts back on yourself and your new life.
Freedom in feeling a return of your personal power, self-love, and self-confidence to keep moving forward. When self-love returns, you can turn chaos into calm, and overwhelming into options, and anxiety into joy.
Freedom in being able to learn to connect in new ways, so you attract better relationships and authentic friendships that support the new you
Freedom from the guilt that things should have been different, and acceptance that you were victimized, and none of it was ever your fault
My narcissist may keep trying, but he will never “win” anything other than his own misery, because he is completely void of self-love and empathy. Each time he attacks, it fuels my strength.
And this is why survivors of narcissistic abuse are the true warriors who will always win.