1. Your doctor diagnoses you with mercury poisoning. Here’s how it works: human eats jumbo fish that ate slightly less big fish that previously ate pathetic sad bottom-feeder fishies that bottom-fed on mercury deposits. Human gets mercury poisoning. This is your fault because you didn’t recycle your old fashioned mercury-containing thermometers, you dick. Why not just skip all the in-between steps and drink mercury directly from the source?
2. You’ve had some sort of fish-borne illness. You inhaled the entirety of that questionable-looking grocery store sushi dish the other day. Sorry not sorry, you were starving! But Flounder decided to leave you with the gift that keeps on giving. It happens to the best sushi addicts…wear your vom-stained kimono like the badge of honor it is.
3. You know all of the proper Japanese names for sushi. And you’re also kind of a snob about it. Eel is actually “Unagi”…omelette is “Tamago.” Forget sushi names – you’re learning Japanese. And you’re planning to go to Japan as soon as you’re fluent…which will probably be next week.
4. You have actually tried to make sushi at home. You bought a ton of crap from World Market, thinking that this could actually be easy. You roll one Supreme Crap Crunch roll in an hour, and then decide to just eat all the ingredients separately and chase them with a bottle of sake while crying inconsolably.
5. You’re really, scarily good at using chopsticks. You know you’ve got talent because you practice at home by picking up your grandfather’s tiny blood pressure pills. So you accidentally ate a few…and dropped a few…it’s all good, right?
6. You started a special diet. Remember that time you started a raw food diet just because it was an excuse to eat sushi more often? Yeah, you’ve got issues.
7. Your bank account… is rapidly dwindling because you eat sushi for lunch…and dinner…and sometimes breakfast. Nomnomnomnom.
8. You eat, sleep, and breathe sushi. When most normal people are drooling while watching the movie Chocolat, you are instead tortured by Jiro Dreams of Sushi. You dream of it, too. Every. Single. Night.
9. For the ladies: you can’t even fathom the idea of pregnancy. No raw fish for NINE MONTHS? That is totally not happening. This child is going to come out of the womb with chopsticks in hand and a bottle of soy sauce. I’m sure he/she will be totally fine. Besides, it would be pretty cool to be born with a tail…hello, fantasies of being the little Mermaid coming true!!
10. You’re known for your sushi obsession. The local sushi chef knows you by name, makes you special treats each time you come into the restaurant, and writes you secret love notes in Sriracha on your dish. Totally normal interaction.
11. You’re a sushi know-it-all. You are able to identify how fresh a piece of raw fish is by just glancing at it, and you aren’t afraid to point it out when it looks sub-standard. Come back when you’re a more uniform color, Nemo.
So, if you’ve gotten to the bottom of this list and the majority of the above apply to you, you’re probably seriously addicted to sushi. But I’m not here to judge you. In fact, I’ll enable you for a little while longer. Just keep hiding it and enjoy it, you little fish-muncher you. Always remember: carry around chopsticks, wasabi, ginger, and soy sauce everywhere you go. You never know when a fish might jump out of the nearest body of water and into your mouth.