I’ve been lying to myself.
Let’s start with that. I told myself when I was 18 or 19 years old that I didn’t want or need a relationship and that I’d never base my worth off of a guy. As you get older, though, the pressure of settling down and finding that person changes you. Overnight, I became that woman I thought I’d never be — the one who crosses her fingers and hopes that there’s a guy who likes her back.
I thought I’d met the one I’d spend my life with a few times, oddly enough. And of course with age also comes the realization that you can’t stand certain qualities in people. And for me, it also meant coming to terms with the fact that I’m a bit of a control freak (no surprise there).
My life has been a roller coaster lately. I’m doing this all on my own for the first time. I’m living on my own, I have a dog, and I don’t have to worry about feeding anyone but myself and the dog. When I scroll through my newsfeed, I honestly can’t help but be thankful I’m alone right now. Truth be told, I’m not ready for a relationship. Those are the words I’ve been afraid to say out loud.
I am 26 years old and I am finally admitting to myself that I’m not waiting for anything or anyone. I’m choosing right now to be selfish because I haven’t been able to do that in a long time (to my exes reading this, keep your opinions to yourself). I’m choosing me because society wants me to feel a certain way about my biological clock ticking, but honestly, I want none of it. The kids and the guy whose chewing will eventually irritate me, I’m done searching for them now, and I’m taking the time to be single and whole on my own. I owe this time to myself, to love and flourish as much as I can. My advice to anyone out there who feels afraid or like they’re settling because they don’t want to be alone: DON’T.
I settled many times in my life with the wrong people, and it’s time consuming and unfair for you and the other person. Unfortunately, I settled because I was rushing the process and I thought, “This is what you’re supposed to do.” I was wrong, though, because there is so much more to life than just co-existing with another person.
There is no secret to finding ‘the one,’ if that’s what you’re waiting for. I’m not even sure those exist or if we’re just feeding ourselves little lies to get by. Either way, don’t get so caught up that you don’t make a life for yourself. Pay attention to yourself and the rest will come when it’s meant to, whatever that is.