Today I’m starting over.
Today is Sunday. I woke up early and fluttered my eyes a few times. I laid in a new room and stared at the ceiling, stretching my feet and popping my joints. I felt the sun streaming in and watched the rainbow it cast upon the wall. I took a deep breath and smiled.
I walked downstairs and felt the wood beneath my feet as it creaked under my weight. I brewed a pot of coffee and foamed milk with cinnamon, then sipped as I listened to the silence.
“I’m alive” is what I’m reminded of this morning—I’ve made it through far worse times and have been the enemy over and over again, but I’m still breathing and I still get the chance to sit up every morning. I’m newly alone and have been mourning over change, but today is the day I stop because my world isn’t falling apart, it’s coming together.
I became complacent with my life recently and stopped asking the question, “Is this what you want?” And if I had advice for you, I’d tell you that is how you’ll kill yourself slowly. It is so incredibly difficult to be a fully functioning human without wanting more. It’s okay to want more too, but most of the time we get caught up in the part where we’ve matched someone else’s definition of “more” and think to ourselves, “This is fine, this will do.” Don’t do that. You will end up hurting yourself and someone else in the process.
Everyone keeps telling me this is where you start over, and I suppose they’re right. I haven’t been single consistently in at least a few years. Am I scared? I am terrified. But this is the time I get to know myself (and to not have to share a bed or food with anyone, thank GOD).
Today, I challenge you to stop settling or lowering your expectations. Today, I give you homework to live with purpose, to search for soul-shattering connections only, to walk and speak with intention, to stop surviving and start living. You will be okay, I promise. Don’t try to figure it all out at once, just enjoy the process.