Something I need you to know is that I’m afraid.
And that I have been afraid since day 1 when I realized the world is big and I am so small in comparison. Bits and pieces of my childhood often come back to me; my little eyes and furrowed brow trying to drink it all in-the things that I don’t yet understand but will soon come to hate about the world. And my dimples appearing slowly when something good comes from this huge place, causing just the smallest smile because I’m still careful not to let anyone know that happiness can exist when everything is seemingly falling apart at times.
I am still that girl.
There are days when I am five, with my two middle fingers in my mouth and my index finger stroking the top of my nose; a coping mechanism that nobody else knows about. I am still trying to drink in the place around me, and still trying to figure out how to live. No, I don’t mean in the biological sense where you’re breathing because anyone can do that. I mean really live. The kind where you’re not afraid of anything like the monsters that were once under your bed or in your closet that somehow made their way to your head and nobody can check for those or scare them away. The kind of living where decisions are bigger than what flavor of ice cream you’ll get, but instead your job, your choice to make a parent a DNR, where you’ll live, who you’ll love.
It’s scary right? Because we’re not kids anymore.
We’re adults trying to make it through and somehow do more than survive. And how awful is that? I always think that I didn’t choose to be put here on this earth where people get chronically ill for no reason, where there are explosions, and people who cut you off in traffic because they’re in a hurry to be nowhere. So, I suppose that we’re all the same at times. It’s totally possible I’ve realized to be successful and to have it all, and still not know what you’re doing. Or, you could even be waiting for the other shoe to drop because you know the world is mean and the universe sometimes doesn’t care about your stability or happiness, or that you’re scared.
But, I suppose you have to keep going anyways. Even though we all feel like kids pretending to be adults, and just “winging it” you have to keep going because in the end life isn’t so bad at times. And you just have to know that you’re not alone if you’re barely making it because you’re terrified.
I think we all are.