1. I hope this person likes their gift because I have no other ideas for them.
2. This person just literally deserves everything for Christmas! *Checks bank account* Nope, never mind – they deserve some candy. Everyone likes candy, right?’
3. Why do I have so many people to shop for?
4. I think I have everyone done, F*CK, I DIDN’T GET ANYTHING FOR *Insert name here*
5. Alright, I have a list. I’m going to go in, get what I need, and get out. *Five hours later, tenth lap around home décor, sweating, second-guessing everything*
6. More candy for this person I’ve met twice before but still need to get something for because I will see them at *Insert name here’s* house.
7. Why am I being ambushed by this woman with a credit card application? And why do I feel obligated to say yes?
8. That’s a cute necklace, you know who would like that? Me.
9. NO FOCUS, you’re shopping for other people.
10. Well, there’s nothing wrong with treating yo’self.
11. Is it rude to just start giving visa gift cards to everyone?
12. Everyone likes gas station gift cards.
13. Oh, I like this sweater. One for you, three for me.
14. How am I going to wrap this?
15. Everyone gets presents in gift bags because I am sick of wrapping.
16. Alright, I am done buying things to put this sh*t in, they’re just going to tear it apart in two seconds anyways.
17. Maybe I’ll just start baking cookies for everyone.
18. Wow, I hate the holidays so much.
19. Just kidding, I am JOLLY, this is supposed to be stress-free.
20. Who actually likes doing secret Santa for their coworkers anyways? Merry Christmas, Bitches I come to work every day I AM your present.
21. Can’t wait to watch this person open this and be totally surprised.
22. Or be totally disappointed.
23. Why didn’t I start shopping during the summer like everyone else?
24. Nobody actually does that, it’s just a lie to make people think you have your life together.
25. Defaulting to candles and candy for everyone.
26. When did I suddenly remember all the words to “Last Christmas”?
27. Why are their ten different versions of “Last Christmas” though?
28. Alright, move your ass, Carol nobody gaf about your grandson and his fiancé’s honeymoon, I need to check out before next year.
29. Don’t give me that judging look, Karen. Ring me up so I can get out of here. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR OPINION, YOU’RE A SEASONAL HIRE ANYWAYS.
30. I need to go back, I forgot something.
31. I will do it tomorrow, there’s only two days until Christmas, I have plenty of time.