With a Sephora employee who, inexplicably, doesn’t even work on commission
Her: Hi! Are you looking for anything in particular?
Me: Nope, thanks. Just browsing.
Her: Ok, well we have this great new mascara that has a double-headed brush and bits of yellow in it, to get that sexy forked look and bring out the red in your eyes! Plus it’s all natural and made with botanicals!
Me: Wait, what? I…no thanks, I’m just browsing. Little old me, just browsing.
Her: Wow, you have such pretty eyelashes! Here, let me try putting on this great new iridescent pupil shimmer that’s supposed to really enhance the freckles on your irises! And it’s made with botanicals!
Me: You know what, that sounds cool, but I’m…well [fatal pause]–
Her: I promise it’ll only take a second!
One hour later
Her: And your total is $185.37.
With a drunk female semi-acquaintance
Me: HEY yeah I’m just taking a breather too, it’s so hot in there. Wait hey – oh my god you look soo good! I love your shoes!
Her: Aww thank you! I love yours too! You’re so cute!
Me: Wait no oh my god, YOU’RE so cute! I can’t get over how cute you are.
Her: You are soo sweet! I think we’ve met before, my name’s Katie.
Me: Oh yeah, hey again, I’m Emily. God, WHY are we not better friends?? I feel like we should be better friends
Her: Oh my god, TOTALLY, I think you’re really awesome and–
Me: Wait no, don’t even, I think YOU are really awesome. You know what, we’re gonna hang out soon! Like we WILL hang out! And I’m not just saying this because I’m drunk!
Her: Yeah totally, we will chill like SOON. Wow this jungle juice is strong. LOL I’m soo drunk!
Me: OH MY GOD me too
Her: Oh my god
Me: Oh my god
Her: Wanna go back in?
The next day, when we pass each other in an academic building:
With malfunctioning electronics
Me: Oh yeah, asshole? Yeah, you really think you can fuck with me on this one? Yeah? Well FUCK YOU, how do you like that? And fuck your man Steve Jobs too!
Inanimate object: …..
With God after a night of heavy drinking
Me: Please, God, I know I say I don’t believe in you, but I secretly do, I’ve just been fronting for my atheist liberal arts friends! And if you’ll just let me have one good poop, I’ll start going to church. I won’t buy communion wafers in bulk and eat them as a snack! Seriously God, I know that sounds like it’s bullsh–lies, but I will!
God: No bitch.
My stomach: gurglesplooooooosh
With that one really creepy hookup
Him: Wait stop–how old are you?
Him: So how do you want me to fuck you?
Me: [Internally: ?!?!?!?!?!?!] Um…regular?
The next day at lunch with a friend
Her: Sooo how was your night?
Me: [thousand yard stare]