This Is For My Future Husband
Dear Future Husband,
I’m writing you this letter because at one point in my future life, I will have chosen to spend the rest of my days with you. That means a lot to me, and hopefully to you. I want you to understand my thoughts and feelings, and those are best expressed in writing. So here we go.
I want you to know that if on our first date we go to a wings place, Italian restaurant, or if I order a salad I will look like a barbarian trying to shovel food in my mouth. I have to use 50+ napkins eating wings. When I eat spaghetti, I can’t twirl it correctly so I have to bite some of it off when chewing and most of it falls back onto the plate. It’s real lady like. The same goes with salad (if I order a salad on a first date just dump me already). If you can understand that I will challenge you to a food eating contest and potentially win, then we have an excellent future ahead.
After we eat massive amounts of food, I want us to sit on hardwood floors and fart as loud as we can. Whoever farts the loudest or longest obviously wins. Love me for the fact that I’m very much okay with public flatulence to the point I won’t stop laughing if you fart really loud. I won’t yell or scold you for this action, and you better not be ashamed of me when I do it. If you fart in bed, I’ll laugh even harder.
I will run out of the bathroom excitedly because if I just had a great poop, I will want you to know immediately how great it was.
If you watch football obsessively, I will too. As a die hard Eagles fan, I will sit on the couch every Sunday during the fall and watch whatever team you love lose. If you have your “bros” over, get used to me being there getting just as emotionally invested as you. Don’t get embarrassed, I want you to be proud I understand what a safety means, and that Super Bowl Sunday is essentially like Christmas.
Speaking of religion, I was raised kind of Jewish. If you accept me for my big nose that’s already a reason that I will love you immensely. I don’t care what religion you are, as long as you don’t shove either view in my face and know we’ll be celebrating Hanukkah. Latkes are delicious!
Another touchy subject couples dance around is politics. If you are a Republican I’ll probably cry, but if you’re exceptional enough then just maybe I’ll put that aside. I want you to know I’m an advocate for women’s rights, and you should be too. If you love a woman (aka me) then you should respect her.
Speaking of loving me, I want you to love my body. Not in a deeply sexual way, that’s okay too. If you ever tell me that I should go to the gym, I’ll slap you. I’m independent in my exercise, so back off if you think saying “maybe we could go together” in a passive aggressive way will work. Understand that I’ll never be a size two, but I am pretty proud of the size of my boobs.
Future husband, if we never fight please instigate one. A couple that doesn’t fight has nothing going on in their lives. I will promise to love you forever if you accept me for being me, so don’t worry about getting in my face about something we disagree on, or if I accidentally threw out something that really mattered to you. I apologize in advance for my stubbornness, but I will always acknowledge the other side of an argument.
Understand my addictions: Netflix, political shows, Beyonce, sleeping in late, all kinds of music, cheesecake, Golden Girls, and cats.
I want you to know that I have the capacity to love and care deeply for you. I will take a bullet for you, have kids (that’s just like taking a bullet, in your vagina), and defend you. I want us to have meaningful conversations that end up with us laughing about the absurdly smelly fart I just let loose while talking about Syria.
If you can accept me for all my faults, weird openness, and my love of food, we are meant to be. I know I don’t know who you are right now, and that’s okay. One day you’ll be there, not knowing what you’re about to get into on a first date in an Italian restaurant. Either will I.
Just remember, Parks and Recreation is the greatest show alive. I am a female Ron Swanson when it comes to breakfast food. If you understand this, we’ll be on the same page until we die.
Much Love,
Your Future Wife