10 Things I Want My Ex To Know

1. Just because I forgave you doesn’t mean that I’m OK.

I need you to know that even though I told you I forgave you on the phone, that doesn’t change how I feel. I still cry almost everyday about what you did to me and that you left. Everything reminds me of you and the hurt that you have put me through. I tried to encourage you on the phone to be who you really are and not go off the deep end. When you told me you loved me, I told you I loved you back, but that doesn’t change what you have done. You broke my heart and damaged my soul so much throughout the past six months, and there is no way I will ever forget that. The pain fades a little each day, but I am nowhere near OK.

2. I can’t believe you cheated on me.

I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you cheated on me. After three years of love and bliss and planning a life together, you gave in to a one-night hook-up. The version of you that I know and loved, the person you really are, would never have done that to me in a million years. It’s a shame that you are pretending to be someone you’re not, and also that you lost me because of it. I can’t believe you betrayed me, and on Valentine’s Day, my favorite holiday.

3. I would have let you go months earlier if you had told me you cheated.

You didn’t tell me that you cheated until a month after we broke up. In retrospect, I would have left you the moment I found out about your hook-up. I just want you to know that I wouldn’t have stuck by your side and tried to work things out while you were treating me like crap if I had known that you had cheated. I have too much self-respect to put up with that.

4. I am cutting you off.

I deleted every single picture I have with you. I blocked you on social media and deleted all of our messages. I told my family and friends that you’re dead to me, and I don’t want to know anything about you. I am getting rid of all your stuff, pawning the jewelry you bought me, and throwing away the dozens of love letters you wrote. Most importantly, if you try to contact me, I am going to ignore your call, delete you text, or walk away. I have realized the hard way that you can only continue to hurt me if I let you be in my life.

5. I know about your new girlfriend.

Wow, you know how to make someone feel replaced and forgotten. The moment I found out that you had a new girlfriend, my heart stopped. What happened to the phone call two months ago when you told me you “still loved me” and you “wouldn’t be able to fall in love again for a long time”? Just so you know, I know about her, and it feels like a slap in the face to who I am and what we were.

6. You brought my old habits back.

Something about how you have treated me is bringing out my self-destructive side. For the week after we broke up, I ate about 500 calories a day. Since the day you called and told me you cheated, I have found myself throwing up my food and skipping meals several times a week. I remember telling you in the car at Christmas that I did this sometimes, and you were full of genuine concern. You made me promise I wouldn’t do it again, and I kept my promise for months. When I realized you didn’t keep any of your promises to me, I slipped back into it.

7. I’m thankful I never married you.

As heartbroken as I am that we fell apart, I am so thankful I never married you. We had life planned out, but things changed. You never wanted the same things out of life as I did, your world was too small for me, and you cared way too much about money. I know that if I we would have gotten married, I would have always felt like there was more to life. I think I would have grown to resent you and felt like you were holding me back. I am also thankful I didn’t marry someone who was unfaithful to me.

8. Sometimes I still miss you.

I hate that I do, but I still miss you. It’s always the little things that remind me of you and that you’re gone. There is no way to just forget our three years together. I miss my best friend; no one knows me as deeply as you do. There are times when I feel so alone and all I want is to hear your voice, but I won’t call, because you’re not my person anymore. Just know that when I hear our song or see something that reminds me of us, there’s an aching in my chest for you.

9. Our 3 years wasn’t worth it.

I never thought I would say this, even a few weeks ago I never would have thought these words would come out of my mouth. You have put me through so much pain and hurt, and it wasn’t worth it. We loved so hard and fell so deep, it was amazing and blissful, and everything I ever dreamed…until you changed. Now all of our memories are tainted for me. I can’t look back at who you were and smile, because who you are now is such a stranger to me. All of the joy and love and goodness you brought into my life throughout the past three years wasn’t worth all of the damage you have done to me. As much as it hurts me to admit, in hindsight I wish we had never met.

10. I’ll always have love for you in my heart.

Despite all that I have said, you will always have a place in my heart. You were my first love and the person that I grew up with. We went through so much together, high school, graduations, starting college, family drama, and nearly two years of college apart. You made me feel alive and loved and free, and I supported you in everything that you did. You taught me how to love and gave me a new outlook on life. I am so hurt by you, I am mad at you, but you still hold a place in my heart. I don’t love you anymore, because who you are now is not the boy that I loved for three years, but I still have love in my heart for you.