I feel I owe you a true explanation of why I cut things off rather than the bullshit excuses I gave you tonight before I left your room and followed 18th st. home. When we first started having sex we had a very adult conversation about expectations and what we both expected from what we were doing.
You were only staying for the semester, so naturally anything long term would be silly to pursue. We also realized that we were both too busy for anything other than the one or two nights a week where we would see each other for 2 hours at a time. So we decided, no emotions and no strings and no attachments would be the best. Neither of us would expect nor want anything more than the 2 hours a few nights a week we would allot for sex.
But that was a lie.
Last night, I told you I just didn’t have the time to do casual anymore (even though I saw you so little in the week anyways) because I needed to devote that time to picking up another shift at work or focusing more on school. What I didn’t say is that I’ve never been the kind of person who is good at no strings attached, casual sex. What I didn’t say is that I was lying and trying to convince myself I could be one of those girls who can pull that type of relationship off. What I didn’t say is that I wanted more.
What I also didn’t tell you was that every time we would meet up I showered and primped and spent so much time getting ready before just so you would think I was this flawless human. What I didn’t tell you is that I wanted to talk about your life and my life. I wanted to know how you ended up as the man you are today and the worst and best moments you’d experienced. I didn’t tell you that I wanted you to ask me the same questions.
But we were casual so I had no right to intrude into those parts of you nor did I ever feel comfortable wanting to ask you those questions.
But I finally stopped lying to myself and that’s why I let you go last night. I know what I want and that is someone I don’t have to get dressed up for every time I see him. I want someone with whom I can feel comfortable asking any question and who wants to do the same with me. I want someone where I see something long term.
I don’t want casual, therefore I can’t want you. And that’s the truth.