1. Always give 110%. Anything less is child’s play.
2. Appreciate quality television, like Battlestar Galactica and Lost, and reference said television when possible.
3. Relish authority. Become a volunteer sheriff deputy, and strive to rise to the top of your workplace.
4. Live in a nine bedroom beet farm, and love every minute of it.
5. Refuse to have anything to do with your coworkers’ pranks – pranks are a waste of time.
6. Become safety supervisor in your workplace, and then hide various weapons around your office.
7. Offer practically unwavering amounts of loyalty to your superiors.
8. Turn your beet farm into a bed and breakfast.
9. Believe in Belsnickel instead of Santa Clause.
10. Collect bobbleheads.
11. Sit in the driver’s side back seat of cars since “in the event of an accident, the driver always protects their side.”
12. Remember your role as Mutey the Mailman in Oklahoma with great fondness.
13. Become roommates with your cousin Mose.
14. Play Second Life. Make your avatar strikingly similar to yourself, only your avatar can fly.
15. Listen to Mötley Crüe.
16. Refer to your significant other as “Monkey.”
17. Marry your significant other, without your significant other realizing it.
18. Get a concussion and become best friends with someone new.
19. Know how to survive in the wilderness.
20. Before you do anything, ask yourself if an idiot would do it – if an idiot would, do not do the thing.
21. Practice martial arts.
22. Believe that superheroes are the world’s real heroes.
23. Mourn your lost opportunity for water cooler gossip, since you bring your own water to work.
24. Get stressed out by nothing, except having to seek the approval of your inferiors.
25. Take charge in chaotic situations. Whether or not this entails taking the face off a CPR dummy is up to your own discretion.