At my heaviest I was tipping the scales at nearly 300 pounds. I look back at pictures from high school and cringe, but I believe if it was not for the multiple humbling experiences that came with being fat I’d be a pretty shitty person and characterless.
God it was hard going shopping, having fabulous taste in clothes, but never being able to fit into any of it. Want to know why fat girls always have their nails done and the best accessories? It makes us feel pretty and you’re never too big to carry around a designer handbag. During this time of lusting after what I couldn’t have I learned true style and quality and what is timeless. People may have had something to say about my weight, but never once was I called tacky.
My life motto is “fake it ‘til you make it.” Being over weight I was insecure and wanted hide, but I never did. I had to push myself to come off as confident, capable, independent, and sassy.
Coming from a small town where the skinnier and more juvenile you look, the better. I never fit this role physically or mentally. If it were not for the lack of interest from guys and my developed distaste for average I would probably be promiscuous and highly uncultured.
After spending the majority of my weekends at home I have never developed an unhealthy case of “FOMO.” I spend a lot of time by myself and I value my privacy. It is baffling to me that people cling to the security of a group, but I never needed that validation. I can stand to be alone with myself and my thoughts. I think I’m pretty cool to spend time with.
Since it would be cruel to have a shitty body and a shitty personality, I developed a great sense of humor. I always make jokes. Probably due to how uncomfortable I felt, but making people laugh always took the pressure off of me and my weight.
Do you ever feel winded after walking up a flight of stairs and make a joke about how out of shape you are? I learned that I am going to have to work harder than everyone else, whether it is school or in life. I played tennis in high school and I was good, especially for my size. My coach often pushed me aside because I probably looked like I’d collapse if I played for too long. I pushed my body and mind to the limits and I would come out victorious after a 4-hour match. That was all me and my will to prove my coach wrong. She still does not respect my accomplishments or me but I’m not here to please everyone.
You hear a lot of negative things about yourself when you’re over weight. You learn to advocate for yourself and never sweat the small stuff. I realize there are some things that are best to let go, and often I was too intimidated to tell anyone off who made fun of me, even though I definitely could’ve taken them in a fight or simply outsmart them.
I am extremely open-minded and it takes a lot to shock me. You did what shameful thing this weekend? I probably did something that was just as shameful, like eating an entire pizza and tub of ice cream in one sitting. We probably both felt sinful urges and have the same guilty conscience. Whatever is bad for you always tastes nice.
I am also quiet and analyze every situation I am in. After all of this time sitting on the sidelines watching other people, I’ve come to the conclusion that no one really cares about what you’re doing, so do whatever you want if it makes you happy.
The phrase “find what you love and let it kill you” really speaks to me. I love food. I found comfort in food. I was dying. I could not keep living the way I was. It killed me always having to buy bigger clothes and the stores not carrying my size. It killed me and I found so much comfort in the thing that was causing my pain. My next meal was something to look forward to since shopping usually turned into a heartbreaking experience. I still appreciate good food and can definitely win one of those man versus food contests, but I practice self control now. My life has improved greatly once it registered that I don’t need to finish everything on my plate and taking that food home and making another meal out of it will make me happy.
Lastly, being overweight gave me the courage and self-respect every young woman should have. I treated my body like an amusement park, not a temple. I had the courage to change. I had the courage to lose over 100 pounds for myself. Now, I have the courage to talk to guys and flirt, but this flaming self respect for my new body. If you want something bad enough, you can achieve it. It just takes patience to see results, but I never gave up on myself, at least for too long. Being fat is a huge part of my life, especially since I’ve been overweight most of my life and I’ve only been in a size that I am content with for about a year now. If it were not for me having to use my brain and charisma to get me places in the past, I’m not sure I would have spent that alone time becoming my own person and someone I am proud of.