Thank You For Making Me Realize I’m Better Off Without You

Julia Caesar
Julia Caesar

How dare you? How dare you expect me to come up to you? How dare you assume that I’m still the same girl that waited for you in October and finally had to walk away? How dare you think that even for a second, I’ll go back to being that girl again? The one that stood there and reached out to you as you brushed me off; the one that gave her whole self and thought you’d do the same.

Today I walked away.

It was my turn. You stood in the parking lot with your friends, clearly seeing me, narrowing your eyes towards me waiting for me to come over. I sat, heart beating in my throat, pulse racing as my friends told me not to. Part of me wanted to go up to you; but not to say I miss you. To let you see that I’m better off without you, and that you missed out. But I know that while we were in the same parking lot, we might as well have been on two different planets because I’m still the one that left for no reason in your eyes; but in mine you’re still the one that I had all the reasons to run and never look back.

In my eyes, you’re still the boy that took advantage of the heart I wore on my sleeve, the one that killed the kindness in me for a short time, the one that I laid on the floor crying for three days over; the one. So as you watched me wave, dumbfounded with that stupid look on your face as I drove off in the car with my friends, don’t be so surprised.

But I guess I should thank you somewhere in all of this too though.

Thank you for teaching me to never give all of myself away too quickly; I learned that some people take and never want to give anything in return. Thank you for making me see that the chase really isn’t worth it, because you run out of breath eventually. Thank you for telling me you didn’t care about me as much as I did you, because I found someone who does. You gave me wisdom; I’ve realized that those who hurt you and reach out repeatedly, only want someone to stroke their ego over and over. Most of all, thank you for teaching me that some people never change, and that it didn’t work out because you didn’t deserve my heart for even a second and I’ve found someone that has.

I know now that someone who cares about me won’t only want to kiss me when it’s late and our words are slow and slurred with liquor, but also when it’s the afternoon and the setting sun is focused on a scene of two people laughing together at stupid YouTube videos on the couch. Someone who cares can read my thoughts long before they’re spoken out loud instead of waiting to argue, or waiting to tell me they’re “just not ready for anything”, and play victim when I get mad.

Someone who cares wants me to be me and invites me into their life instead of asking me to change, or hide the more awkward, less pretty parts of myself.

Seeing you today brought back a lot of anger, I’ll admit that. But not for second did I wish for it all back; to be walking in your shadow only to blend right into it and beg you to let me create my own. To answer your call and change my day to revolve it around you. For me to have to get rid of any of my friends that asked too many questions and tried to talk some sense into me. To feel so defeated that all I could do was cry to the person that was making me cry in the first place.

I’ve changed; and that’s why I walked away. Months ago I would’ve come over to you in that parking lot, hoping you’d say hi back to me. But it’s your turn to wait because I already did too much of that, and I’ve found the person that won’t make me wait, the one that didn’t make me wait for something that would never happen, the one that said hi first. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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