All words I’m too familiar with, paired with “what ifs” and “buts.” Words that swirl around my eyes, blurring my vision, sneaking their way into my mind and clouding any other thoughts I have. I’ve been holding my breath for years it seems, wishing for one second that I could take a deep breath.
I torture myself on the daily in my own head and create a prison in my brain for the thoughts that cause my heart to race. They bounce around my head and scrape at the walls, making me space out feverishly and causing my stomach to turn the way it does when you go over a hill in a car.
And so a good portion of the time, I’m punished by missing important details that go on around me, as I rip chunks of cuticle off around my nail and try to find solid ground under my feet again. That being said, trying to connect with anyone is a challenge. So, of course dating has been a rollercoaster for me, up until now. For the first time in forever, I can breathe.
You’re the person that hears me when I’m not even talking, and can feel my heart speed up without even being near me.
You always know what I’m about to say before I even say it, but you also have this way of knowing what I’m trying to say when I can’t find words myself. You’re the first guy I don’t get upset about when you grab my hands and tell me to stop fidgeting. You’re the one I know is telling the kind of truth I don’t have to second guess when I ask a serious question. The guy that can calm my speedy temper after a long day, and convince me to leave my stress at the door.
I know I worry about the most absurd things, but know that in these moments, I can’t see how silly they are. I hope you know I worry about us the way I do because for the first time in a while, I’m terrified to lose someone like you. It’s been a struggle for me to finally become comfortable around someone the way I am with you. And I guess when I look at you, that’s what scares me the most. It’s the way I look at you and see promise in us; I listen to how genuine you are when you say you want to be with me for a long time. The idea that things between us could change at any second the way life changes for people every day scares me more than you know.
I know that we’re okay, the way we rarely argue and even when we do, it’s usually me doing it while you calmly deal with it, or the way we can be silly for one second and serious the next. But please know that I still worry every now and then; not because I think it will help anything, or somehow make us stronger, I know it’s pointless. I worry because my body is catching a break, my chest doesn’t ache for oxygen, and my shoulders are light.
You’re the calm that came over me and I can’t consider thinking about what it’d be like to feel you leave. So, try to understand that when I tell you what’s bothering me that I’m actually trying to hold tight to you. You’re the feeling I can’t and don’t want to let go of. And I’m trying my best to let you see that these feelings are new to me, but for the first time I’m embracing what’s new instead of running away from it, and I hope you see that.