As is the fluidity of my life, so is the fluidity of how I cope with it. Sometimes it can look like several weeks at a time where I can’t seem to bring myself to get out of bed, to organize my home, or to even feed myself, because maybe the simplest task seems too much or maybe the chaos of my home and the emptiness within my body is a manifestation of how I feel. Sometimes it looks like a raw nerve, a short answer or a snippy comment to someone I love, because I don’t quite know how to deal with the truth of how I’m feeling. Tears streaming down my face while watching a movie because maybe what’s on the television is sad or the tears are for something that comes from a much deeper place. Sometimes it’s adventure, a new momentary lease on life, because it’s a desperate attempt at an experience that will reignite a sense of who I am or maybe act as a reminder of how much I love being alive.
As are the waves of my life, so are the waves of how I cope with it, each wave bringing with it just as much grief as it takes when it leaves. Sometimes it’s a new obsession, a new hobby. Sometimes its not wanting to move at all. It’s exhaustion and still the inability to find rest. It’s a deep loneliness and the strong desire to just be alone. Coping can look like fear and anxiety, and it can have the biggest smile in the room. It’s living the same grief over and over, but finding such gratitude for feeling anything at all.
Coping can be all of these things and more. Tremendous heartache and despair, but still incredible hope and love. It’s an ebbing flow of feeling everything all at once, and then suddenly nothing at all. Like a tide that comes in and then pauses for a moment when it returns to the vast open sea.
I can’t predict what coping will look like today or tomorrow, but I know it is part of me. It is surrendering and releasing control of your heart. It’s falling on your knees and looking to the sky for help, seeing beauty in the clouds, and letting the wind blow your tears dry. As I cope today, so will I cope tomorrow.